The Pendulum

Can-A-Ton

2010-05-20T00:59:00.002-04:00

Why is it that suddenly I want to just close up shop and completely quit blogging.

I'm starting to think of all the reasons why I should quit and they are starting to outnumber the reason why I would want to keep it.

Part of me feel as if this whole thing is causing more pain for me than good. I don't know, I'm going to think about it some more.

That is all for today.

Chess

2010-05-17T01:21:00.003-04:00

Seriously, you sent another fucking pawn after me? You really think that's going to work again. How about you actually grow the fuck up and get me off your mind. I'm honored that you spend your time trying to fuck with my life, really, it makes me feel so important that you have nothing better to do with your so called life. Grow up, seriously.

I'm going to finish this, I swear. If I can just learn the truth then I can forget about this completely.

That is all for today.

Title

2010-05-14T01:52:00.000-04:00

Why is it when we most need it, our words seem to fail us. Maybe that doesn't happen to everyone but it seems to be a recurring factor with me. When the situation requires it I can never bring myself to speak out and say what I want to say. However, give me a few hours and I will explain everything to you online or written down on a sheet of paper. I really hope I am not the only person that is drug into this type of situation. Also, don't ask me about this please. I don't know what else to say...you know who you are.

Will they seriously never get out of my life? I've tried everything in my power short of committing manslaughter to keep them out. So why do they keep coming back, I don't want this.

I wonder if there is such thin as an escape button. Screw the easy button. I would pay any amount of money for an escape button. One press, and I'm taken away to some whimsical place that nothing goes wrong.

That is all for today.

One Short Day

2010-05-12T01:54:00.000-04:00

Well, it's obvious that Summer is in fact upon me. I have nothing to really blog about there for my posting will more than likely drastically decrease. However it still has yet to hit me that I'm on summer and I won't be seeing many of my Western friends for months.

A very strange predicament has arisen. Well, I guess I can't really call it a predicament because I'm not complaining about it...it's just strange. It involved a dream I had a few days ago. It was just strange because I haven't had a dream like that in awhile and suddenly they come back. Could it be because I'm back home now?

Once again, I'm not complaining it just kind of took me by surprise.

That is all for today.

Synopsis

2010-05-08T23:59:00.002-04:00

As you all know, Friday was my last day of freshman year in college. I'm still waiting for it to hit me that my first year is over with. As promised I would also write a whole review of my first year on my blog...here we go.

Due to the fact that this will be rather large-cut-. I'm breaking it into sections.

:Class:
I was terrified when I first started college. I was scared about how difficult my classes would be and exactly how hard the homework/projects and other oh so joyous things would be. It was not bad all, but I'm also an Art Major and we do jack shit but draw and critique stuff. But honestly, none of my classes were hard. I just had a hard time putting effort into some that didn't strike my fancy. I did however get into some of my higher level classes when I wasn't supposed to, go me! So I'm taking a break and making sure my 'electives' for my major. But that's it for classes.

:Marching Band:
Holy crap, if it wasn't for this I doubt I would have as many friends as I do now. I met so many people through it and the overall experience was absolutely amazing. It was like nothing I had ever experience before and I was so excited to be apart of it. Even if there was a shit done of drama through it all.

:HvZ:
Jack, even though you don't read my blog and never will, I love you. HvZ is absolutely amazing. I met so many awesome people and it gave me something to do on my down time. Thank you so much! And to all my fellow players reading this...BRAINZ!!!!!

:Love Life:
I only dated two people this year. Seizure and Ego. I did kind of fool around and talk with a lot of other people but those are the only two people I actually ended up in a relationship in.

:Friends:
To all of my friends, past and current, I love you. Thank you for being apart of my amazing experience you all have made me feel infinite.

*In no particular order*

Rock: You have and will always be my best friend. I'm so glad we are stuck with each other in college in well and you made this year fun. I know we had our ups and downs but hey, we wouldn't be true friends if we fought now would we?

Ego: I still have no respect for you, I'm not apologizing for saying that because it's true. Granted before all of the drama happened we did have some good times together and I enjoyed myself at times.

Name Yeller: I wish we became friends sooner and hung out more than what we did. I am so happy to have you apart of my life and I love you ever so dearly, you mean the world to me :]

Princess: Thanks for dealing with me. That one night where we just vented towards each other helped me out a bunch. I love you and I can't wait to see you either over summer or next year, which ever comes first.

Gaga+friends: I'm sorry that what happened happened. Maybe we could have fixed things but you know what, everything happens for a reason and I stand by that. I still say hey to most of you and although that is the extent of it, thanks for the beginning of the year, I did enjoy myself.

Kinky+friends: I'm so happy you all knew how to deal with me. I was so afraid the first day I came to dinner to eat with you all. I'm still upset with what happened but as I said before, it happens for a reason. At least we are still friends and that's all that matters.

Hope: Thanks for everything--No speech in here mainly because you know where I stand because we talked about it the last day of classes--

Moocow: Dude, you are amazing. I'm so happy we met up in English and dude, don't chase Wild Turkeys, it won't end well.

Bunny: You confuse me...

Seizure: Well, I can't believe we survived our first year together. I'm honestly not sure what else to say. Don't do too much crazy shit over summer.

HvZfriends: You guys are awesome and I'm so happy that I got to be apart of HvZ with you guys.

Everyone else: I love you so much!

:Final Statement:
This year has been amazing. I know I barely even covered 1/4 of everything that happened but you know, I shared what I wanted. Everything else is going to stay inside my memory.

That is all for today.

Zero

2010-05-08T00:45:00.001-04:00

So, officially the countdown is over now.

As I am writing this I am sitting, well laying, in my bed back home. Earlier this morning I finally completed my first year at college, it still has yet to hit me.

I want to do a very long blog but not tonight, I need more time to gather my thoughts and I have to be up at 5:45 this morning to get ready for my sisters graduation so I need to get some sleep.

Readers, be prepared to read a lot tomorrow, I hope.

That is all for today.

One

2010-05-07T02:48:00.002-04:00

The countdown has final come to a closer. Well I guess technically not yet, but damn it it's close!

Today was a fun day. Asides the lame excuses of exams I had today I enjoyed myself. My night was spent with my good friends on a final Waffle House run of the year and it was wonderful! It's hard to believe that in roughly 12 hours I will be on the road home for summer...

That is all for today.

Two

2010-05-06T01:26:00.002-04:00

Well, only two days left of my first year in college. Wow, that's crazy. I can remember the drive up here, I was so scared and now I'm about to drive back home for summer.

Today itself has been a freaking roller-coaster.

Hope, I don't know if you're reading this but I'm sorry...I will talk to you about this when the time is right but for now I will leave it here. I'm sorry, I realize now that I wasn't acting like myself. I didn't think about it but after the fact, I realized the part of me that I keep hidden away final revealed itself. After everything was said and done I realized what I did and I'm sorry, I really am. But at the same time I think this is a good thing for us. We will talk later.

Fate. Fuck you. It was so bad, so very bad...ugh.

Name Yeller, I love you. So much. Tonight was amazing am I so glad we planned it. I had such a good time and honestly, I felt infinite. As cliche as that may sound it was true. I'm going to miss you so much over summer, but I'm happy I got to spend this night with you.

I'm going to miss this place so much. My roommate can fall off the face of the Earth for all I care but everything else I will miss. I've been through so much this year, it's crazy.

That is all for today.

Three

2010-05-05T00:35:00.002-04:00

Fuck. You. Fate.

:Edit:

Correction. Fate, you are AMAZING. Fuck you and your horny ass self, even if I may go through with it. Bastard.

That is all for today.

Four

2010-05-04T00:17:00.002-04:00

Okay, this is going to be a quick blog, I feel uber sick but I felt like I needed to continue the countdown.

Exam today kicked my ass.
Got a PSP with Monster Hunter
Roommate is really driving me up the walls
This week needs to end NOW

That is all for today.

Five

2010-05-02T23:50:00.002-04:00

Something very peculiar occurred. My Sunday revelations occurred again. It doesn't seem like something one should get too entranced about but when put in perspective that I have not gone through one since high school brings one to question as to why it is happening now.

However this feeling did seem a bit, odd. It started when I decided to go to the library to get some last minute studying in. As I was walking around campus everything just felt, right. Nothing could have brought me down from my mood. Maybe it was due to the fact that the day was absolutely perfect. Yes, it was a tad on the warm side but other than that it felt amazing. In fact, when I got to the library I browsed through Georgia's photos again and was actually smiling at how happy he looked.

I don't know, my mood is starting to dwindle down as it gets later and later. Maybe Sunday's just fill me with endless bliss. Or perhaps I'm going out of my mind.

Regardless, today was quite exceptional.

That is all for today.

Six

2010-05-02T00:22:00.002-04:00

It's my last six days of my freshman year, I think. Yeah, considering Sunday just started. I'm rather excited but very sadden by this fact. Today I spent most of it with my father, little sister, and soon to be brother-in-law's brother moving shit out of my room. Surprisingly it only took an hour but my room seems so much emptier now. I dislike this feeling. I also don't have my loft anymore so I feel as if my roommate can watch exactly what I'm doing while laying on my bed with my computer and I don't like that feeling at all. I really only have one exam to worry about. All my other exams consist of me showing up, picking up/dropping off something and then having a wonderful rest of the day. I just hate that I'm stuck here until Friday.

I'm feeling much better than I felt from my last past. I still feel that hole inside me but I'm starting to either A.) Sew it back together or B.) Covering it up with some shitty covering that will ripe in a few months. Either way I feel better thanks to my friends.

So yeah, I'm going to go back to my new zombie flash game, don't judge, I shall try to write all this week as it is my final week of college.

That is all for today.

One Final Step

2010-04-29T22:11:00.003-04:00

You know that analogy that is always brought up about taking the one final step of the edge and falling into your ________ -whatever you call it- Well I do believe that finally happened with me.

He put pictures up of them, finally. I saw who it was and instantly that hole opened up again. I feel so pathetic that this keeps happening to me but honestly, what can I do? I can't help that these feelings still persist about him. I sat down with Hope after it happened and he let me just speak my mind. Those racing thoughts you get when you feel this way finally started to slow down and everything started to make sense. I am such a hodgepodge of emotions right now I can't even begin to list them-trust me I just tried- The one, however, that always keeps coming back and back is jealousy. I hate it, so fucking much. However running it through my head sometimes gives me an idea of why exactly that is the feeling that keeps coming back. He has changed so much since I first met him. I still wanna remember him as that awkward kid I pretty much fell for in high school. I saw him over spring break, and he had changed so much and I was so confused as to who I was now talking/hanging out with. But thinking about it, it all makes sense--the jealousy. He is different, more open. He was a closet case when I dated him, we had to keep everything hidden. Now he is open, willing to admit who he is dating and I feel now that I wanna experience that with him. I never got a chance when we first dated and that's why things hit an all time low with us and everyone told me how bad he was for me. Maybe I'm holding on to some hope that if I tried again things would be better. I don't even know why I think that, I know it's not true but it's a thought that keeps running through my head. I want to have another try. Know what it's like to be with him when everything is out in the open. I believe that is why this is killing me so much inside...or maybe I'm still just a stupid high schooler who is dreaming way to big and the only place left to go is down. I kind of hope this is my final decent, I don't really want anymore. I'm just happy that it happened when it happened. Rock and a few friends were nearby and Hope was literally outside waiting. I'm just so tired of feeling like this.

Also, Rock, please understand I'm not leaving you. I would never do that. I would never purposely hurt you by doing this. I'm doing this because Hope knows what I'm feeling and has been through it. You and I are still going through it and that's why I've been looking towards him more. I'm not leaving you like I have almost done many times in the past. I know better than that. He just understand the situation and knows how to help me out, that is all, nothing more. I love you.

Also, Adagio for Strings is amazing when you feel like this, try it out.

That is all for today.

A Sliver of Light

2010-04-28T10:09:00.002-04:00

I hope you're happy, truly happy. I want you to be able to look at me and tell me that you are in fact happy. It'll makes this so much easier. I just want you to be happy and this newest decision you made really ripped open that hole again. But I've talked to a lot of people and they have given me some good advice. As long as you are happy I am, even if I have to hide it behind a fake smile, know that I am happy with whatever you choose to do.

I think I've failed as a blogger now. It just struck me today that my one year of blogging should in fact be nearing. Turns out I missed it, by more than a month. Ugh, I know I shouldn't feel too bad about it but I do and kind of wanted to do some big post about something or another. Eh, there is always next year.

You know, as I'm writing this I'm sitting in our courtyard dining hall I can't help but look out over the crowd of people and wonder, what are their lives like? Are they going through the same things I'm going through? Do their thoughts even begin to scratch the surface of my thought process? Or do the surpass mine? I would love to read everyone's mind, just to see what they think of throughout their daily life. To see if there is anything interesting to listen to.

That is all for today.

More Time

2010-04-26T20:06:00.002-04:00

Well, maybe I was wrong. This is going to take a lot more work than I thought it was and a whole hell of a lot more energy on my part. And of course I'm talking about the lovely notion of moving on.

To add even more icing to the cake it seems that my feelings for a certain someone grew without my knowledge. Maybe it was that false ideology I held onto that maybe during the summer we would have something. Damn thy ideology that hath slain me! This would actually be a lot easier than I'm making it. Unfortunately that would require me to get pissed of at these two in order to completely remove them from my life, and to hell if I do that, they haven't done anything to deserve that, this is my burden to bear. God I'm making this sound like such a life altering event. I guess it could be considered one, maybe? Doubt it though.

Today starts the last official week of school. We have exam's next week and I'm rather excited about that. Am I going to miss everyone, greatly. But I'm ready to go home.

God I don't even have anything special with this person. WHY AM I FEELING LIKE THIS, ARGH. I quit.

I wanna start writing a story soon. I don't know about what--some weird sci-fi/fantasy type thing more than likely--but I wanna write.

Bleh, today hasn't gone to well. Can we rewind to last night, now that was an amazing night. Anyway, I need to get some sleep.

That is all for today.

Hope

2010-04-25T03:15:00.002-04:00

Well, it's currently 3:21 in the morning and I'm sitting in front of my friends bed watching over their sickly form hoping that they soon get over this spell and feel better. While waiting I decided to crack open my computer and write a bit to help pass the time and hopefully clear these constant discombobulated--amazed I spelled that on first try--thoughts that keep running through my mind.

Things aren't what they seem anymore. Looking at the time between my last post and this one, many strange and wild occurrences have happened that are in need of discussion.

I finally figured it out. What all this is, what you are to me. You're my hope. I thought about it and it makes sense. You're someone I can now legitimately talk to about all this. One who will actually truly understand because you did go through it. I have my friends here to help me out and listen to me, but I know that you are that one person that can, and will, look me in the eyes and tell me it's okay and I will gaze back and know that you are right because you went through it. It all makes sense, and I'm happy I figured it out.

Maybe it's a good idea to keep your secrets bottled up inside you. No matter what you say to someone, asking them to silence themselves when around others to make sure nothing slips their tongue. Eventually it will slip.

In response to that statement. I know about you. I won't use your codename because it will give it away but I just wanna say that I know what you think. I would like to act out on that but, I'm afraid to. Mainly because I don't want anything to happen to what you and I have now. But just know that I know, it actually makes me happy, but I won't act out on it. I love you.

I think that with how my thought process has gone the past few days, and with the help of Hope. I think I can finally move on. It's going to be rough though. Even simply thinking about losing these feelings for you now makes me want to cry. But I realize that you have moved on. There is no use in me harboring these emotional ties to you when I know for a fact that they will never be returned. It makes me wonder if that one day even really meant anything at all to you? Was it just another occurrence. Have you really sunken that low? And if you have, will I? Trying to watch over you like a guardian angel is not helping my current situation at all either. I watch, each step you take--as creepy as that sounds--just to see where you are leading yourself in that path. Deep down--at least I hope so--I am subconsciously memorizing that path so I never put a foot down it. I am starting to think about the things from the past you have mentioned to me and I wonder if they even ever come up while you lay in bed with him as I type. That time at the club and god knows what else you have done, but do you even remember? I am almost on the verge of tears thinking about it all. I don't even know why I am I just am. I am asking myself why do I keep giving so much of myself to this with nothing in return. I wonder if this is what Hope was talking about. Opening myself like this. Finally giving out what I want in return and not getting it back. Hope was right, it does hurt. I'm just glad I know I have people that will have been helping me through this. Even if I may not flat out talk to you about this situation, you have helped in some shape or form. I just want this to be the last straw with this situation, I'm severely tired of all this.

Wallflower. I'm amazed how much that word means to me. I want to be like one, remove myself from everything and just watch. Let things unfold and see what happens. Tonight I have felt like one. I have been watching and listening and I am amazed at what I begin to feel when I don't put myself in things. I wanna remove myself more. I wanna be a wallflower.

This year is almost over with. Seriously, one more week of class and one week of exam and I am out of here for summer. It's such a scary thought. I really don't want this year to end, I mean I do but I don't want to go home away from all my friends up here. I am more than happy that I get to see my friends from back home but...I don't know it is rather hard to explain but I'm pretty sure most of my readers know what I am talking about, right?

I think I'm going to shut down and relax now. It's 5 in the morning now and although I feel like complete shit, I feel good.

That is all for today.

Random Precognitions

2010-04-20T00:53:00.002-04:00

While walking back to my room tonight, I decided I was going to sit down and write out a legitimate blog post, however, like always, being in my room absolutely kills my desire to do anything. Any guesses why? If you guessed roommate you would be correct. I realized I can actually get so much more done when I'm not around him and can think quietly without him screaming into his computer about vagina shops--yes that actually occurred today.

I decided to suck it up after reading my buddy's--Name Yeller--blog. I don't know it inspired me somewhat. I'm very happy to hear that he is doing good and is enjoying life. He needs to, he deserves it.

I've had a lot of mixed thoughts running through my head recently. A few days ago I started talking to someone new. It seemed that we hit it of instantly but I'm starting to doubt myself. I've got a feeling I'm going to end up in my normal situation. Torn between what I should do with them and my feelings for them hanging blatantly on the wall. To add more to the loop another person just started talking to me. Well, I guess I should say we exchanged numbers in order to communicate more. To where they sent me one saying, 'Feel free to text me whenever :)' so now I'm not sure how to take that. Does that mean hey, I kind of like you or something else? Perhaps I'm gazing way to far into this and as I told my first person I should just take a leap of faith and see what happens. Eh, that probably won't happen but whatever.

I'm so ready to go back home. I miss my friends from back home so much and I want to see them again.

That is all for today.

HvZ

2010-04-17T01:51:00.002-04:00

Wow, life has definitely started doing this whole roller coaster thingy. I'm not sure if I like it yet or not.

I'm extremely tired but I wanted to quickly say...

~HvZ started today, I'm a zombie and have already gotten 3 kills >=D
~My new interest is a fabulous person. They are freaking awesome

and that's about it. I'm so tired I need sleep....

That is all for today.

New Divide

2010-04-13T13:31:00.002-04:00

Blargh, today hasn't really been a good day. Actually once again these past few days haven't been that good. I have had good moments throughout the day but overall the days weren't the best they could have been.

I've been overstressed...for no reasons as well, ARGH! I hate making my life complicated when it really doesn't need to be. Luckily though, I just did an assignment and felt a weight get lifted off my shoulder. It might just be because I have a lot to do...

Three Critiques
Two MAJOR Papers
Shit Ton of Drawings
Figuring out what the hell I'm going to do with myself over summer
And a few other things

But eh, I don't know I will vent more tonight. My class is about to let out.

That is all for today.

I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

2010-04-11T04:18:00.000-04:00

I can't stand why these feelings keep coming back. Why can't I just let him go. These feelings are like a stupid buzzing fly stuck in a car.

I want to go back to the club and get lost in the music. The thump thump thump of the bass ringing in my ear as I moved my body to the beat. I watched as other people followed suit as they found their own beat. I get lost while I'm at the club. It's such an amazing feeling. Dancing, grinding, and just moving helps me out so much. It's like a drug that I can't get enough of. I want more, so much more. I want to escape from this reality as I move across the dance floor, finding my zone or joining someone else as they get lost. Our bodies colliding with the beat, where at that one moment in time, we are one being. Feeling the way our bodies move to the beat, our hands exploring the unkown world we have just found, our sweat mixing in a dance of its own. All together it brings about a surreal feeling of extacy. And when that unknown world final becomes known, you either find your beat or you simply break apart and start the search all over again. I'm still searching for that beat, but I'm happy if I don't find it. Getting lost in my own music is enough for me. I can wait for that right beat. The club will help me get lost again in the music and bring me to my own beat.

That is all for today.

Telephone

2010-04-10T17:21:00.002-04:00

Wow, so last night was amazing. After a fairly hectic day of class and roommate drama. I went with two friends of mine to another friends birthday party at the gay club. Oh my god it was awesome.

It was my second time going, first time going single. I got to let loose and it was the most amazing thing ever. When we got there we were just checking the place out, two of my friends found a hottie that I needed to talk to, haha, that didn't happen. But I did get to dance with this very attractive guy most of the night. He was hot, shirtless, and a very good dancer. Sadly though I fail at life and didn't get his name or number but looking at it now it is probably a good idea. I think I ended up dancing with 5 or more strangers, and it was fun. I did get to dance with some people that I really wanted to dance with and that made the night even better. It was so much fun, I absolutely love the club.

I'm probably going back again in a few weeks, however that will be on a Sunday, I don't know if I can do that. It would be fun though.

That is all for today.

Starvation

2010-04-09T01:41:00.002-04:00

While quietly browsing one of my fellow bloggers most recent post. I can to a very livid, almost obvious conclusion. I will forever be posting in this blog until I take control and make life how I want it to be. I need this space to let loose some steam. Yell at the world without actually yelling. Clear my head of thoughts. I don't know it randomly came to me while reading a friends blog, maybe I'm just tired. That whole thought processes does seem a little off to me.

It's happening again, my mood is coming back as soon as I thought that I had gotten rid of it, it rears it's ugly head right back in my face. I want it to go away so badly. I don't think this mood will go away honestly until I actual stand up against it, like a friend of mine told me on facebook today. I need to take control of my reality and bend it to my needs and nothing else.

That is all for today.

The Only Exception

2010-04-08T01:44:00.002-04:00

Well, let's start things off by saying that today has gone by a lot smoother than my previous days. I've started returning back to my norm and it feels great.

Today was the International Festival and you know what that means! Absolutely nothing, no really, it means nothing. I mean yeah we had a few niffty shops set up here and there but I was more excited to hang out on the school's lawn than anything else. I was able to bring out my camera and take a few pretty shots of the lovely trees--they are blooming finally and when the wind comes through the petals fall and it looks like snow--and I can't wait to go to the lab and print them.

It was a very chill day today. Nothing too major to report. So I'm going to end on a happy note for once in my blog!

That is all for today.

Starstuck

2010-04-07T02:38:00.000-04:00

It seems I've entered another small phase of hiatusing from my blog. To put it simply, I have once again lost my motivation to write, however tonight it seems to have been returned to me.

I blame my most recent hiatus on the fact that the past few days have bestowed upon me a ever so nasty feeling of emotional suffering. You know why it's been brought into my life, fucking drama. I have never had more drama shoveled down my throat in the past two days than my entire life. I didn't even ask for any of it, but somehow I was brought into it one way or another, I honestly don't know. I've never had much of a problem dealing with the ever so popular high school drama. But seriously? This is too much.

I'm just happy I can finally lay back, crank up some music, and try

~Tangent~
WHY THE FUCK DOES HE KEEP FUCKING SAYING BALLS SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET SOME REAL FRIENDS FOR FUCKS SAKE~
~/Tangent~

to write. I've really been wanting to just vent on here in stead of to my friends because honestly they don't need to listen to me bitch.

I haven't been able to honestly enjoy my life the past few days. I haven't been able to enjoy it because a lot of my friends for some reason have decided to start a shit ton of drama.

~Tangent~
My friends who are reading this, I love you all. I really do, if any of this pisses you off I'm sincerely sorry, but this is how I feel about all of these situations and I just need to get it out and this is the only place I can.
~/Tangent~

Half of it is brought on to them by themselves, actually I think all of it is. As of now I can only think of two people who have had mention of drama for legitimate reason. You are all stronger and better than any of this. Look around, a lot of people-myself including-aren't enjoying themselves anymore because we are wasting most of our time worrying about you all. Just stop it, enjoy life, please. I want to get back to happy Bozy. I'm tired of feeling like this every day, I'm barely getting any sleep because so much is being put on my plate.

Now don't get me wrong, I love all my friends and would do everything in my power to help them out, but when it gets to the point where I can't even seem to enjoy my life, something has to change. While writing this I quite honestly feel a unneeded cry coming on because of all this unnecessary shit. I even told one of my friends I couldn't help them because I literally could not sit there and listen to them bitch anymore, it was just too much.

But that's it, all for my friend drama. I've gotten most of it off my plate and now I want to shovel the rest of it off, if that's even possible.

I hate how my mind gets set on these thoughts like a parasite leeching on to an unfortunate soul. They sit in the back of my mind and slowly drift in and out of everyday thought, as of now the things that won't seem to leave my mind are...

~Why am I still jealous of him.
~Why do I care so much about what they are doing with their life. Better yet why are these thoughts happening yet again.
~Why do I even bother with them.
~Why can't my life be like theirs.

I try to keep these thoughts away but they just have a way of drilling deeper and deeper in my mind.

No one believes in me, at least I feel like that is the case. I'm not stupid so stop belittling me please. Believe it or not I can handle myself. Yes I may do a lot of stupid shit that isn't right, but do you want me to start counting off all your flaws as well? I made this decision to make myself happy and I am happy with it. So stop trying to tell me how to make it, I will accept little comments here and there but it's starting to get ridiculous. I don't think what you're doing is right, do you see me constantly bugging you about it. By the way, I make my comments about them because it's who I am, I don't want to jump them all I just express how I feel about someone.

Quite honestly I'm doing fine with what I chose, wait until I start becoming a vile hypocrite and then you can start shoving your worries down my throat. Until them, I would like you to shut up because believe it or not, I'm happy and fine with what I'm doing.

I just don't know anymore. I really can't think of what else to write down without saying something I shouldn't say or something along those lines, I'm just going to end here with some anonymous letters.

1). WHY are you doing this to yourself? Stop it, you are stronger and sure as hell a lot better than this.

2). Am I going crazy? Somehow my mind keeps drifting back towards you. I want you in my life more, I just don't know what to do. I need help. I know no one likes it but honestly, I don't care. I want to talk to you again and go back to what we used to be. I really really miss it, like, a lot. I know what you're doing there, at least I'm pretty sure and it makes me jealous and sick to my stomach thinking that. I want to ask to make sure but I don't want to be right, it will kill me inside. I know I can't have you but I want you. As stupidly sad and pathetic as that is it is true. I'm not sure if I'm just seriously infatuated with you or sort of maybe in love, I'm pretty sure it's the first one because I remember what love felt like and this is sort of close, but not really.

3). God, there is so much I want to say to you. I want to just run up to you and speak my mind about what I really think of you. Start it off nicely and then just rip you a new one, because honestly that's how I feel about you. I know this is simply the 'anger' stage but regardless I wanna do it. I just wanna tell you everything, but I won't. I can't. It's really been hitting me the past few days. I think it's because I've been feeling miserable yet I see you happy and deep down, I wish you were suffering, I hope you are and are just damn well at hiding it.

4). You go along with the previous one. There is so much I wanna say to you but I know I can't. You are strong but I'm afraid I would actually break you. I don't want that to happen, that's why I've been keeping everything inside, locked away so neither of us have to deal with it. We are fine as we are and I'm not going to risk that.

5). Did it really happen, I keep thinking that I was dreaming the events of that night. But did it honestly happen? I'm not complaining at all I'm just, confused on exactly how it did happen.

6). Please find me one day, come up and just give me a hug, and tell me everything's going to be okay. I would really appreciate that.

7). Can we talk again, like we used to. You were one of my best talking buddies ever. I miss you so much.

8). I'm going to be okay, okay? Stop worrying and stop bitching about life. You're life doesn't suck, okay maybe a little bit; but just take a look around. It could be a lot worse.

9). I want to tell you how I really feel about you, you might think I'm a freak but I don't care. I wish I could just tell you everything, grab you, and just kiss you like they do in those romantic movies. I know I would ultimately fail...but it would be a cute attempt.

10). Stop acting so emotional. You need to stop putting yourself into these moods. They are pointless and stupid. Enjoy life, you only live once and you don't need to spend life worrying about things that don't matter. Go out and have fun, fuck what everyone says and do what you want. It will make you feel better, I promise.

That is all for today.

Just Breathe

2010-04-02T01:33:00.002-04:00

Whenever the world just doesn't seem right, I always think of this song, 'Breathe' by Telepopmusik. I believe it's the only song in existence that can truly calm me down no matter what mood I'm in. I really have no idea what mind set I was in today. Like, I felt all over the place. I was happy, sad, stressed, agitated, calm, hell I was a fucking hodgepodge of emotions.

I don't know what caused it or why it happened. But it did, I'm now over it, and things are looking up. Usually after my little hodgepodge of emotions I get in this mood of bliss. Everything feels right. But as always, something happens and my bliss runs dry.

Quite honestly I don't know where I'm going with this blog, I'm so out of it but here at the same time. I know I'm physically here, but my mind feels miles and miles away. I don't even really register what I'm typing. My hands feel numbish as they race across my keyboard turning my thoughts into words. It's such a weird feeling, talking to my friend over skype, listening to another vent, another about chatroulette, and all of it just seems to blend together.

One thing my mind does seem to keep falling back to, was an idea I imagined in my bliss mood. I decided I wanted to tell a few certain people exactly how I felt about the situations I am in with them. But looking at it now I already know their response.

#1. Would just shrug it off, tell me he knew already. Probably try to make me feel better by saying awww that's sweet or some happy-go-lucky shit like that.

#2. Would apologize and shrug it off as well.

#3. Would make a big fuss about it and start even more drama. Even though he wouldn't mean to I know it would happen. It always does.

I don't know I really wanna do it, but I'm too scared to. I know I should just close my eyes and take a leap--granted I know it will get me no where--because I would like to know if my predictions are indeed correct.

Of course thinking about it now. There is a lot I would say to them. Like, a lot. 1 & 2 would have it easy. It's #3 that would physically hate me forever if I said what I wanted to say to him.

Ugh, I think my next post might just be a list of everything I'm thinking of, in no random order...Fuck it I'm doing it now.

~He needs to get out of my head, I can't be sitting here daydreaming about how much I want him in my life when I know it shouldn't and couldn't ever happen again.
~I want his life to be miserable, absolutely fucking miserable. I don't know why either, but I do.
~Does anybody think of me as often as I think of them. Do they even care as much as I do...
~Of course, how much do I even care?
~Why am I putting myself into these moods
~Why can't I flat out just say what I want to say to people instead of bottling it up inside me .
~Why am I starting to regret stuff
~Why am I still awake?
~Where is my escape...

You know, that didn't really help out at all. I may just snap under lack of sleep and awkward blisslessness and send my messages to the people I wanted to...talk?...to? I don't know.

I should probably just end this now while I'm ahead...ish...of myself. I'm just starting to ramble and whatnot, anyway.

That is all for today.

Helvetica

2010-04-01T01:05:00.002-04:00

You know, I'm not entirely sure why my title is regarding one of the most well known and most used font type. Damn you John. Regardless, it has nothing to do with today's post.

Today...

Wow...

That's really the only word that comes to mind when thinking about today. It was wonderful. Like, do you ever have those moments in time when you think back on the day and mull through everything in your head. Then you come to a point where it seems as if it had to be a dream. But even though you know it wasn't, there is that small ball of doubt floating in the back of your mind that makes you question if what occurred was really...real.

Needless to say that was my day in a nutshell.

That is all for today.

For Real...

2010-03-31T02:11:00.002-04:00

I can not believe you, oh wait, yes I can.

You know what, there is no point for me to even rant about it on here. You're not worth it anymore.

I hope all my readers have had a fabulous days :D

That is all for today.

What. The. Fuck

2010-03-30T02:12:00.002-04:00

God, I'm so glad to have my blog back. I've needed to vent for a long time and even though I've had some good friends to talk to. I have never been able to get all of it out at once, you know? I would normally say let's start at the beginning, but honestly at this point I'm not sure what is the beginning and what is the end. Everything has become this giant shit storm of drama that is causing me to unravel at the seems. I do believe if it wasn't for a small band of crazy people I call my friends I would be so far gone from society it wouldn't even be funny.

First off, how did this happen? I know I shouldn't care about you anymore, but for some reason I just do. I really do care about you and these feelings haven't gone away in a long time. I don't know what it is about you. I never talk to you anymore and you are barely apart of my life anymore. I haven't hung out with you since, god I don't even know. Every time we makes plans they fall through. But now you're going off and doing THIS? Seriously, where did it come from. I know you all are friends but you've been friends for how long? I'm sorry, I'm ranting. If you haven't learned I get jealous of certain things and this is one of those things, I'm sorry....but I do miss you, a lot.

Second, STOP IT. You don't understand how much this is hurting me. I can do much more and it's killing me inside. I wanna help, I really really do but some of this stuff I can't do anymore. I'm sorry.

Third, I have my computer back. Can we talk again like we used to? Please? I really miss talking to you. Even if it was a simple hey, hello, what's up, thing. I miss it, a lot.

Fourth, what provoked this? You have almost ruined this for me. But why do I even care? It's your life...but why do I still feel apart of it.

Fifth, I need to calm down, I'm forcing myself into these situations and I don't need them. I need to be more assertive of my choices and prioritize things a whole hell of a lot better. I've gotten behind in school work and that is a big NO. Regardless, a lot of things need to change and soon.

Usually after pouring all this stuff I feel better....

Why do I still feel like a mess

That is all for today.

I'm Back! And With A Video!

2010-03-27T02:40:00.002-04:00

Unknown

2010-02-08T18:40:00.002-05:00

So, i'm not sure if this is working. I'm currently on my itouch trying to blog. If this works I will now have a new way to blog. However you are going to have to excuse the lack of grammar and spelling.

So...things are starting to go downhill. Nothing feels right anymore and I feel like everything I'm doing is just plain wrong. Did I take a wrong turn on my path of life? Is my pendulum a little off center? I don't know and it kind of scares me. I know a lot of people will tell me I am putting myself in this situation and I need to stop bitching and you know what, I know that. I just need to sit down by myself an collect my pieces. Of course with my current location I can never really have time to myself....

I need an escape.

That is all for today.

Not Much Time

2010-01-29T11:09:00.002-05:00

No, it's not some emotional title for an emotional post. I just don't have much time to write this. I was supposed to blog last night but I just couldn't. I think there was a little too much running through my head, but after a decent night's sleep and a little bit of thought I think I've begun to break things down.

Obviously, I'm only doing this blog for you. You want to know more than I could offer last night and when I said I could figure it out through a blog you said I needed to. Well, what else do I need to say? I'm still unsure about that fact. My last post was just a title, not a second chance or anything. I was just writing, not much else to explain.

I can't decided what else to write down, I'm slightly ashamed that you are worried because of my size. To be honest that really hurt, stop doubting my size. I'm tired of people thinking I can't do something because of my size. I'm a hyperactive skinny son-of-a-bitch, I can handle myself thank you. I know you are just concerned and I thank you for that, but still.

And once again, it won't work. You can try and explain it all you want but it just won't work. It doesn't feel right. If I thought it felt right I would have suggested it at the beginning but it just doesn't work.

Class is about to start, I don't know what else to say. I think I'm done talking about everything.

That is all for today.

Is It Worth It?

2010-01-27T00:39:00.002-05:00

Why does this question keep flashing in my mind. I do apologize for the lack of bloging. After the last blog, I just couldn't motivate myself enough to sit down, collect my thoughts, and write. Today is different. Today, my life changed, and so did the lives of countless others. All because of a simple sentence.

I made a simple decision today, after a long time thinking about it, I decided to end my current relationship. Why is something like this so hard, both parties know it's not going to be the end of the world and that yes it hurts, but that's life. I know it sucks, but it's not that bad. So why is it so hard...

You always say 'You don't understand.' Guess what, I do. I know I do it to, but we all know how if feels. To care about someone and not want to see them leave. So don't tell me I don't understand. I've been in that situation. I've done it to people before, so I know. Don't think this is any different.

I wasn't ready. Plain and simple. I did it twice so it's obvious that I'm not ready for something like this, sorry, but that's just me.

Tell me something readers. How am I so amazing? Most of you know me so tell me, please. Because I obviously don't see it. How can I be so amazing when I do stuff like this? How do I end up being this perfect thing. What do I do that's so amazing, and I swear to god if you say you're cute, smart, funny, etc. I'm going to shank you with my spoon.

I just, I don't get it. Any of it. Am I too young to understand, haven't gotten enough experience? Am I simply just not getting the damn point?

Please, someone tell me so I can fix it.

That is all for today.

Workout

2010-01-15T00:34:00.002-05:00

I think today was the first day that I've been to the gym in a long time. I mean it's not that I'm going to try and lose weight, I'm just trying to tone muscle. But I went with some friends and we are hoping to continue going.

I seem to be burning a hole in my wallet as well...now where did that money go *goes off to search*

You know, I should get in here and actually blog...maybe this weekend....we will see...

That is all for today.

Facebook

2010-01-12T15:27:00.002-05:00

I hate it, like seriously hate it sometimes. I mean, I know it's a 'connection' site, but for college people, friends, and relatives. When the hell did it become a gay connection site? I mean I will go to a friends homepage, see someone who looks cute--yes I facebook stalk, don't judge--and this person will be gay, lives in BFE, and is friends with like...20 of my other gay friends. Seriously guys? I do understand that another fellow blogger ranted about this but I felt the need to express me hate/concern about it all....

So, it's the second day of the new semester and I already hate it. I've had to change my schedule so much in order to get out of classes I shouldn't be taken, and into classes I should. I do believe I'm officially done with all the changing and I am rather happy with my classes...although I have a 8 am class and I have to spend so much money on art supplies...

That is all for today.

Perhaps I Was Wrong

2010-01-10T14:57:00.003-05:00

I knew coming back to college would mess with my blogging time. I will just have to blog earlier in the day. But yeah, things took a turn for the better and I'm actually very excited about that.

Classes start tomorrow and I've never been more ready. I love yet fear starting new classes. I get to meet new people and make new connections which really excites me.

The new roommate is pretty cool, he seems a bit awkward but he is new so once he gets out and meets more people I think things will be good.

That is all for today.

Ready, Am I?

2010-01-07T23:06:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure anymore. A lot of things have been thrown up in the air and they aren't exactly falling into the exact right places. This is really bugging me.

But looking at how the pieces fall, I'm pretty sure that I'm not as ready for this as I had originally thought, this sucks.

That is all for today.

Industrial

2010-01-06T12:14:00.000-05:00

Holy crap.

I actually never thought this day would come. I said for a while that I wanted to get my industrial pierced. But honestly, I was afraid I was never going to do it. Turns out I was wrong, and that's a good thing.

I decided that today would be the day to actually get it. I went to hang out with Bamf and he took me to his tattoo parlor where they have professional piercings and the guy that knows us who works there was like, 'Yeah, I'll do it.' I believe it took a grand total of 10 minutes, maybe less. I was in and out and I was amazed. It honestly didn't hurt as bad as I thought it was going to, it only hurts afterwards--for example as I sit here writing this my ear is throbbing with pain--but I think it's worth it.

I really love it. Bamf thinks the bar is too big, I don't think my dad likes it, I'm still waiting for my sisters and mother to see it so we shall see how it goes.

But all that matters is what I think, right?

That is all for today.

Predicament

2010-01-06T01:39:00.002-05:00

Well, it figures that with my life I'm in another one of these predicaments. I'm not exactly why I always end up in them but I do. I'm just glad to have good friends there to help me out during them.

I love you guys

That is all for today.

A Belated New Years Resolution

2010-01-05T01:52:00.000-05:00

Everyone has a New Years Resolution correct? A majority of the time it involves finding love, losing weight, yadda yadda, all the stuff that's basically impossible for a resolution. I've never really thought about putting effort into a resolution because I could never really come up with one that I would in fact stick to. Well, yesterday I was thinking about it and decided to use my blog as a resolution. Yes, I know I'm a few days late/behind, but whatever. I'm going to blog more, not necessarily everyday, but more than I have been.

So, let's begin. I'm currently back home on Christmas break. I'm amazed I didn't blog more during my free time because I was graced with SO much of it. I guess it all matters on a multitude of things even if I don't know exactly what those are.

Regardless, I'm back!

Today was amazing, in fact I'm pretty sure this whole week is going to be amazing. I got a new phone, the Samsung Flight, which I love, my house now works on wireless so I can lay in my cozy bed while chatting it up on facebook, and I got to see some good friends of mine. To add to this awesome buffet. Tomorrow/Today I get to see two of them again, Wednesday I'm getting my Industrail Piercing which I'm excited about, I also get to hang with Bamf which is even more exciting, and Thursday I get to hang with Pumpkin and Greek! So this is going to be an amazing week.

I think I'm going to stop there, don't want to write some huge blog and run out of things to talk about...you got to start slow, haha.

That is all for today.

Defying Gravity

2009-12-11T06:33:00.002-05:00

Well, it's currently 6:33 in the morning, that doesn't sound crazy but it is when I've been up since roughly 5:30 yesterday morning. I did take a small nap but I will be up 24 straight hours. This is my first time pulling an all-nighter. The only reason this is occurring is due to the fact that I had a 7-11 page paper I had to type. I had originally thought it was only 3-5 pages long. Boy was I wrong.

So my dear friend Glee and I stayed in the library from 8pm to about 4:30 in the morning working on our papers.

But none of this is important, I haven't blogged in a long time--I'm surprised my blog isn't covered in dust--and it was time to crack it open again and let my thoughts spill out across it's pages to form a beautiful piece of artwork.

I don't know what it is but when I fall to this level of exhaustion I get in this rather perky mood. I just recently got out of the shower and just couldn't help but smile. I'm not sure what I was smiling about, life just seemed perfect. And to be honest, it actually is. Asides from a few small bumps here and there, nothing is really going wrong. I'm happy about it.

Why is it that even when you've plucked someone out of your time-line, erased all memories of them, and wished nothing but misfortune on them...you can't help but feel this twinge of regret whenever you see them. I watch from afar as they intermingle and I can't help but wonder, was their life affected as bad as mine? Do they feel the same when they view me. Why am I even bothering myself with these thoughts? I know that I'm curious to see how my life would be if none of this had happened, oh well, there is no changing the past--I wouldn't change it even if I had the option regardless.

I've decided to dedicate a new song for you. After our conversation, I don't know, I just...everything felt right. Although I'm not sure if you'll admit it or not, there was a slight bit of hesitation. I do believe it could happen. In fact, I'm pretty sure it can happen if we wanted it to. It would be wondrous and magical thing but not the fairy tale ending I have always been hoping it would be. I'm actually very happy we talked about it, I felt like I had roughly 5 years of repression lifted off my shoulder and even though it wouldn't be that fairy tale ending, I'm happy that you're still here beside me. Besides, I've got a fairy tale going on now anyway which I'm not ready to lose.

It's scary, a few months ago I was driving up to Western with butterflies in my stomach freaking out about freshman band camp and the whole idea that I was going to be starting college. Now, it's the end of the first semester. It's crazy how time has passed and as I look back on all that has happened, I know now why people said college is the best time of your life. I've made so many memories I can't even begin to start painting a picture. I feel as though I have actually began Defying Gravity...

and it's a damn good feeling.

That is all for today.

A Friendship Overlook

2009-10-20T14:43:00.002-04:00

Holy crap, another blog post within 24 hours of the other! Maybe I am breaking this dreadful chain.

I feel ready to spill everything, as in I can actually write now. Every previous post I have cut short due to some distraction. I finally found some time to myself where I can just sit and type. It's odd, this time by myself. I don't think I've really had any time to myself recently. I'm usually always hanging with my friends so I have never really just sat down and chill with me, myself, and I. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with my friends, but you know...being able to just sit down by yourself and do something you enjoy without any distractions is nice.

T-Minus 11 days until NaNoWriMo starts. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. For those that don't know NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month. It takes place every November where people all across the world spend all of November writing a novel, 175 pages-50,000 words. This will be the biggest thing I've written to date and it's rather exciting. I don't know if I will actually complete my novel or not, that's a lot of words. Next week I will be finishing up the final drafts of all my characters and plot so once November comes around I will be able to just start writing.

I really need to work on my artistic eye ((note this is different from a photographers eye)). Today was my second critique in my photography class. Everyone said my prints were beautiful but when we started discussing words that came to peoples mind while looking at the prints I heard some very interesting opinions. I had three animal pictures--two of my cats and one of my sisters dog--next to three 'nature' shots--one being my house, one being deep in the woods, and one being an old barn. My fellow peers commented on how the nature pictures looked almost cold like while the animal pictures looked warm. They suggested taking more shots from the inside of the house to see if I get the same effect. It was rather intriguing, I wouldn't have viewed the pictures as warm and cool.

So, I realize I've added a lot of new people to my blog without really explaining who they are and how they came into my life. I believe I should be polite to my readers and introduce all the new people.

Rock- Rock--formally Blueberry--is one of my best friends up here in college. She has been with me since my 9th grade year and we have been through so much together. I can't count up how many times she has been there for me over the years and I love her to death.

Roomie- Roomie is no longer a factor in my life. I thought things would go well but obviously they didn't.

SexyBoy, Gaga, and Tree- are in the same boat, no longer factors.

Smokey- He is completely crazy but freaking awesome. Things are going well between us and I'm very happy about that fact.

Scratch-and-Sniff- I never would have imagined him and I to be friends. But we are and I'm happy about that. I don't think we will ever be close close friends but I know he would be someone I could go to if I was in trouble.

Southern- God I love this girl, I'm so happy Rock introduced us because she is amazing.

Kinky- I'm not sure where to begin with him, he is special, very opinionated, and very blunt about everything. But he is still a cool guy.

Gaston- He is special. He means a lot to me and I'm happy I met him. He does confuse the heck out of me which poses some problems but I think things are going to work out...not sure in who's favor...

Mellophones- I'm just going to group these guys together. They are always hanging out so there really isn't a point in making more nicknames. I love these girls...and now guy. They make me laugh and make playing mellophone enjoyable, of course the rest of my section helps out just as much so they can't really get all the credit, haha.

And finally...

Ego- Gah, he is amazing. He is my second best friend here, sorry, Rock gets first dips, but quite honestly I view him as more than my best friend. When we started talking I could tell he would be someone I could talk to and I was right. If I have a problem he will take time out of his day to help me. I've been able to open up to him about many things and he is a great guy, I'm so glad I met him.

There are plenty of other people I could add to this list but due to the fact that it would require more thinking than I want to put into this, I will save them for later. Basically, all my friends are amazing and I love them dearly. They me so much to me and I'm happy to have them in my life...

And all this talk of friends makes me miss my other college buddies. Sparkles...GuitarGirl...Pumpkin...Greek...Mow...Jew...others I forgot the nicknames to but know who you are...I miss you guys, I really do.

I think that about does it. I've caught up with about everything that is happening in my life, granted there are still a few things but due to copyright infringement, I am unable to post about them--okay the copyright thing is a total lie but yeah--.

That is all for today

Unconscious Mutterings

Werewolf :: Jacob
Jim :: Jimmy
2x4 :: Beating Stick
Unruly :: Unholy
Component :: Mechanic
Prolific :: Epic
Wrestler :: Kinky
Huh? :: Wha?
Dolls :: Play Toy
Super! :: Fabulous!

Into The Ocean

2009-10-19T22:39:00.002-04:00

Dear. God. I've completely failed at updating this thing. I keep getting ideas to which I could make some an actual post but due to the fact that I'm usually always hanging out with my friends or something. I'm not gonna say I'll fix it, because I've said that too much, but anyways...on to life.

Have you ever had one of those moments where it completely kills your entire desire to ever do that specific thing again? Well, that happened recently. I was called out in marching band for missing the homecoming parade for being sick. I understand that I probably could have gone about the entire thing better but regardless, I did everything to the best of my abilities. I thought about it after wards and I realized that I didn't want to deal with marching band next year. I mean, I love it, but it takes up so much time and effort. Does that make me weak for not wanting to continue it because I don't feel like putting forth anymore effort into it?

I love college. I don't think I will ever stop saying that. There will be times when I just think about everything, and everything is just right. I never really noticed it until recently when I'd spend time with Rock, Gaston, and Ego. They make my world happy, I love them.

Ugh, once again I got distracted and lost tract of my post. I need to be alone when I blog and not in a room with people.

That is all for today.

Gleek

2009-10-01T02:38:00.002-04:00

You know something is going wrong somewhere when you sit in your bed watching Glee and Football at the same time. Oddly enough they work together fairly well, but that's besides the point.

It's come to a point where I'm not sure where to begin with describing life. Things are good? Fair? Dramatic? Exciting? A hodgepodge of miscellaneous sayings that would somehow make you, the reader, understand the predicaments/joys I'm being enveloped in by life? Who knows.

Regardless, college has definitely been an experience. And what it's only been two months?

Bah, I've got to get off. I've lost the entire track of this blog and I realize I need sleep if I'm ever going work on prints for my class.

That is all for today.

Geekdum Is A Virture

2009-09-27T04:41:00.002-04:00

Tonight. Was. Amazing.

New Beginning

2009-09-23T12:58:00.002-04:00

Needless to say these past few days have been very hectic. With all the moving, school work, and drama my life has been full of surprises.

The whole ordeal with the roomie drama is finally over with. I've successfully moved rooms and I believe the new roomie shall work out well. I think I'm gonna name him Smokey. Smokey is really chill, he is laid back and doesn't really give a fuck about anything. I told him what happened with Roomie--I'll come up with a nickname later--and he was like 'Dude, I don't mess around with stuff like that, if you have a problem talk to me, seriously.' So I think things will go well with Smokey and I.

I'm glad that I've branched out. Deciding to hang out with Rock--formally blueberry--has been amazing. I've meet so many cool new kids who are definitely awesome beyond belief. There's Kinky, his boyfriend WoW, Nikeypoo, and three more who I've yet to come up with names for. All of them are totally wicked. I have dinner with them all and head back to their dorm and chill until I must come back to my room and sleep.

I'm slowly getting into the habit of bring my pantex--film camera--with me wherever I go. I'm now going to keep the formally named 'Stalker Lens' on it almost all the time just because of the amazing zoom it has. Hopefully K and I will go on our safari soon and I'll bust out the nikon again.

It's kind of creepy that it's already the 5th week of school. I would have thought it was earlier, I guess not.

That is all for today.

Unconscious Mutterings

Disconnect :: Internet
Contribute :: Donation
Dismay :: Let Down
Constant :: Irritation
Nails :: Sharp
Vibrate :: Cell Phone
Therapy :: All Time Low
Stupid :: Me
Poo :: Poo
Commune :: Commuter

Life And It's Oh So Glorious Mystery's

2009-09-21T02:54:00.002-04:00

Have you ever had one of those days where nothing really seemed to go right? That the world was out to get you and at the end of the day you just wanted to curl up in your safe haven and wish all the monsters away? Today was that day for me.

It was a rough day. The shit finally hit the fan with my roommate and I'm applying to change roomies tomorrow, well today. I've ended up loosing the people I thought were my friends but if they are going to act like that because this is who I am, then all I can say is fuck them. I've got better people to spend my time with than this wannabes. It's probably for the best that we all split.

Things did get better though. I've spent the past 5 hours with this guy. The way we act around each other is just like how I want my next relationship to be. Everything seems perfect. We're sitting in my bed working on homework and talking, that's it, and it's wonderful.

That is all for today.

A Very Serious Conundrum Of Miscellaneous Happenings

2009-09-15T01:14:00.002-04:00

Once again, I'm up late with many things running through my head. Due to the fact that I've treated my blog like crap had have not paid heed to it for a good couple of weeks, I decided to revitalize it for a late night rantapost.

Time is such an awkward device...thing...instrument...whatever, you get the picture. It's about to be a month into school and I've already been close to cutting ties with good friends of mine. All because of stupid 'high school' drama. Namely, Boy A falls for Boy B, B falls for A, A and B take steps towards something more, then B goes off and rips A's heart out. So yeah, typical high school romance...asides the homosexuality radiating from it. However I do believe I'm getting ahead of myself, actually, that's all I'm going to say about that subject. There is no need to delve into it anymore than that.

College is amazing. Like, honestly I'm not sure how to explain it. My brain is rattled with words to describe it but I can't find the correct order to place the words to make the picture as clear as can be. It's honestly something you just have to experience to completely understand, you know? But it's definitely something else...

Marching Band is an experience all on it's own. I attended my very first college football game--as a member of the marching band--and the experience was amazing. I've never been so excited to give a performance and the reaction from the crowed is absolutely amazing. Never in my life would I dream of seeing so many people excited for the band.

My classes are slowly beginning to push me to my limits. I basically have a paper due every other day and not to mention a strip of film almost every week, but I'm not complaining about the latter of the two.

I was hoping that college would final change me. For awhile I thought it had. I felt as though I was living the high life and that everything was going great until a week ago when the drama--stated above--started. However I still refuse to delve into it. But it turns out I'm still that emotional wreck of a kid I was in high school. Maybe I tried to soon to test how much I changed, I probably should have waiting longer until I was absolutely sure of it, but I guess all that's in the past. It's time to look forward and hope the future brings along some more hope. My supply seems to be running a little low...

Oh, on a side note...I cut my hair, I'm now successfully rocking the buzz cut look. I'm actually quite surprised at how it turned out. I was afraid that it wasn't going to look too good but I am very happy with the results.

Ugh, so this post didn't really help with the conundrum--sigh--of course I didn't really rant about it...oh well, maybe another time.

That is all for today

Quote of the Day--Unconscious Mutterings
"Only time will determine when and how you’re going to move on. Sure, it might not be right away like you want it to be but eventually one day you’ll wake up and realize that somewhere along the way that piercing feeling you’ve always felt inside your chest faded and went away while you were too busy living life to notice."
- Unknown

Omelette :: Breakfast
Classic :: Trashy
Thrifty :: Store
Search :: For
Fan :: Base
Fussy :: Cat
I am not :: Asleep
Indulge :: Sexual Cravings
Poor :: Unfortunate Souls
Manicure :: Pedicure

Why Now?

2009-09-02T23:35:00.002-04:00

I'm entirely sure what exactly happened or when this feeling came over me.

Part of me believes that the whole "Oh my god, I'm in college and I'm 'all alone'" feeling is starting to hit, but at the same time I partially want to just blame in on today. Nothing seemed to go right up until marching band so it was a very 'bleh' type of day. I'm pretty set on the fact that Tuesdays and Thursdays are the best days of my weeks. Even though I didn't like my Psychology class, I'm pretty sure it will get better, mainly because our actual teacher will be teaching us now. So once he does start teaching us my day will consist of taking pictures and learning why we are who we are. I think that's pretty awesome.

But looking back on today, nothing really BAD happened. It was just a lot of small things that ended up turning into big things. I didn't really get to do anything that I wanted to do so I doubt that even helped. I need to work on that, don't I?

I really need to figure what I'm going to do about this situation, do I just ask and see what happens? Or should I kick my heels up and ride the currents.
I need some time alone...anyone wanna join?
Seriously, what are all these thoughts running through my head. Did I absorb too much too quickly?

Why am I feeling like this, why now?

That is all for today.

Quote of the Day
"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."
- Grey's Anatomy

College Stuff

2009-09-01T19:38:00.003-04:00

So, college is amazing. Everything is going great and my friends are freaking amazing. I'm hoping to move to a better dorm by the end of this week because SexyBoy and Tree were able to move and I want to be closer to them and if I move to their dorm I will be closer to Blueberry and Gaga which would be amazing. Pretty much there will be a party in Harrill.

Unconscious Mutterings

Spinning :: Around
Impasse :: Let's Reach One
Gravy :: Soup
You are :: Beautiful
September :: October
Divulge :: In Food
Training :: Camp
Crap! :: Shit!
Results :: Outcome
Shutting down :: Starting Up

D-Day

2009-08-24T19:36:00.002-04:00

Well, today was my first day of College. It was pretty chill--granted it was the first day--and I enjoyed it.

I started out my day with Composition 1. I really think I'm going to enjoy that class. The class is small, I know some people in there, and the teacher is cool. He is obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, baseball, and politics...my class will be interesting. I believe the only difficult thing about the class will be all the writing. As many of you know I suck at writing. I believe I'm a better at typing and that's only with things I enjoy, aka, my blog.

The classes ended up only being about 15 minutes long and he let us go so me and a friend went out to eat before departing for our next class.

My next class, freshman orientation ~kills self~ I guess it isn't all that bad since it's technically an 'art' class and I'm in there with so many people I know. However it was interesting walking into the hall getting greeted by a giant picture of Jack Sparrow with the theme music from POTC playing in the background. Pretty much we spent the entire class discussing what was expected and all that jazz and afterwards I was done. I pissed everyone off saying I was done with classes and it was only 11:20 ish.

I decided to head back to my room and finish my 'assignments' before Pit came over and chilled with me for a bit. I wish he could have stayed longer, but we did go eat lunch together which was fun. I did meet up with Laundry Room Girl--going to be shortened to LRG--and she told me she was actually reading my blog which made my day.

So here's a shout out to you LRG, much love!!!!

Then after a quick run to my dorm to do drop/add and then booking to to the bookstore--no pun intended--I was off to marching band. It was different. We are now meeting on the Field which is AstroTurf and it feels so different from the crater filled field that is dubbed the practice field. However it is filled with tiny little bits of rubber that go everywhere. I felt like I was pouring out sand when I emptied my shoe.

Then I had dinner with the gang and that sums up my day.

That is all for today.

Laundry = Blog Time

2009-08-23T12:59:00.002-04:00

So, I'm currently sitting in the most sketchiest laundry rooms EVER. 'Luckily' my roommate is down here with me so it's not that bad.

So, since I've got another hour down here I decided that I needed to catch up on my blogging. Hopefully once classes start I will be able to blog every night, I hope.

I've finally unpacked everything--only to realize I need to buy more fucking hangers, fml--and my room looks nice. I have to go out and buy tape so I can put up pictures all over my room and make it pretty. Band camp is finally over with--I'm actually sad about that--but on Friday we took our full band picture and sectional pictures and because of it I do believe I'm going to buzz cut my hair, or something. The reason, I had to put my hair up into pigtails so it would go under my hat. Granted no one really made fun of it, but it was really obnoxious. After the pictures we had to play for Freshman Convocation which has to be the most boring event ever. My class is so boring. The band played our opener along with Hey Baby--which is the most amazing song ever because we sing in it--and our pre-game music and all the freshman would just stare at the band dumbfounded. Little do they know that we are the pride of this school, haha. But afterwards I met up with other friends who moved in and we had a good time.

Saturday was spent at Valley Ballywhoo which was surprisingly fun. I ran around with my camera taking pictures of Blueberry, Roomie, Tat, Dancer, Pit, and J. God, finding nicknames for all my new friends is freaking hard. But all the pictures turned out good, my friends loved them and I was excited to get to take pictures again. I have another photo safari this afternoon with Piccolo.

So, more people just showed up and this girl is amazing. Her quote for today 'Welcome to the laundry room. Where all the magic happens!' I actually told her I would blog about her so I did.

So College is fucking amazing, and now I must go because we are playing Basketball with a gatorade bottle.

That is all for today

Unconscious Mutterings

Disguised :: Master of
Big wheel :: Monster Truck
Irritating :: Laundry
Care :: Package
Grandpa :: Boone
Shooting :: Guns
Sunglasses :: Beach
Stampede :: Bulls
Painstakingly :: Sitting and Waiting for Laundry
Terrible position :: Laundry Room

Sun Burn

2009-08-19T22:28:00.002-04:00

I'm once again not sure where to begin with how awesome and dreadful band camp is.

I wore a wife-beater today and got burned all around it--don't make fun of me--
I've meet more crazy people than I can count
Today the freshman got to sit around and listen to the Vets perform their half-time show from the previous year and oh my god it was amazing. Yes, none of them really remembered it, but it was still freaking amazing. The intensity that they played blew my mind. I'm so happy to be apart of it.
Asides from all the good things, I'm ready for it to be over with. I want school to start so all my friends are here and all that good stuff.
I hurt in places I never thought I could hurt, and blisters are a bitch

That is all for today.

Finally...

2009-08-17T22:02:00.002-04:00

Today was the first day I've gotten out of band early. It was due to the fact that today was 'movie night' and I had no desire to see the movie. So, I decided to chill in my dorm and catch up on my blog and some reading.

So, I'm not sure where to begin. These past few days have been busy as hell. We have done so much and have had so many things to remember thrown at us, it's crazy. We ran through every possibly fundamental in two days and we learned seven sets of a twentyish set show, the rest we learn tomorrow. We were informed that our show would consist of roughly seventy two-seventy three sets, joy. But I'm having a blats. I've meet a lot of cool people and I've made many new friends. Unfortunately with new friends comes new crushes, damn it. I think it rose to four or five today.

Anyway, I'm having a blast. College is amazing and classes haven't even started yet. I've still got a lot to unpack in my room but that is only because marching band runs so late. I do believe I will get everything done by Saturday and then it's 'smooth' sailing from then on, I hope.

So, unless I start talking about what actually goes on with the marching band, which I won't, I've actually ran out of stuff for today...

That is all for today

Unconscious Mutterings

Delayed :: Response
Irresponsible :: Behavior
Stupendous :: Achievement
Barcelona :: Uh
Solution :: Problem
Simplify :: Easy
Crumble :: Bread
Podcast :: Focus Group
Conversation :: Talking
Homepage :: Yahoo

Insanity of College

2009-08-16T19:07:00.002-04:00

So, as stated in my previous V-Log, I'm up at Western as I type this. Well, things have been crazy, which is why I haven't posted in a few days. Literally, we don't get done with band camp until 10-10:30 ish. I'm lucky enough to get this break off to come to my dorm--pictures soon--cool down, and blog for a bit.

I'm having such a good time. I've made so many new friends and the amount of things I've learned in marching band are insane. Everyone treats me like family and I'm just like 'Holy crap this is awesome' After I'm done with this I have to go back to Coulter and get ready for full band rehearsal which won't get out until 10. It's going to be insane, the freshman sounded amazing so I'm wondering how it will sound now. Anyway, I've got to go. Sorry for the short post, once school starts I'll be able to write more.

That is all for today.

Vlogging

2009-08-13T22:12:00.002-04:00

So, that was my official first--fourth--time at Vlogging. I'm not sure how I feel about it due to the fact that alot of stuff I can't really express outloud. But yeah, leave your thoughts about it. I may do more, who knows.

That is all for today

Incompetent

2009-08-10T22:07:00.003-04:00

I'm going to flat out apologize for this post. It's going to be a another ranting session because I need to. Actually, I believe it's time for more Anonymous Letters.

Seriously? Why do something like this if you're not gonna put forth the effort required for it. If you're not ready for it, quit. We don't need you, get out.
You narcissistic, fucking, asshole. I'm done, no lie this time. I'm done with you. I've tried and tried but no, you've never changed, and I'm betting a hundred bucks you never will. Grow the fuck up. You honestly think I need you for a fucking hook up? Where the hell to you get the right to tell me that? I don't need your fucking help with anything. If you remember correctly I got you bitch. Get the fuck off your pedestal, you're nothing special. You're just another wannabe asshole that thinks they're the shit, guess what? No one fucking likes you, I hope you know that. I do believe I'm the only one that's stuck by you through everything, but not anymore. I'm done trying to help your sorry ass. Get out of my life. I looked back through my blog and realized how much time I wasted on you and I'm tired of it. I can't wait to go to college where I don't have to deal with you, because honestly, I now know how much of a waste you were. I can't believe I wasted so much time on you, and for what? Nothing, you didn't give me shit, I had a fucking mental break down because of you, but I guess I should thank you for that because it made me realize how much I don't fucking need you. I'm tired of holding on to this last string of hope and I'm letting go. I don't even know why I held on for this long. Hell I don't even know why I'm writing this. I know you'll just look at this and be like 'Psh, whatever I'm headbitch he don't know shit.' Well guess what, I do know, more than you will ever know. At least I'm doing something meaningful with my life. Because what are you doing? Oh that's right, nothing. Congratulations! I hope you have fun with it. Get over yourself, just because you get a man every week doesn't mean shit. Oh wait it does, it means you a fucking whore. Go on gloat, I know you do. You think you're so awesome because you get this guys, but your not, you're vile. I also finally figured it out, your damn quote is true. The whole bullshit of who makes it into your future, well, I don't think you're going to be in mine and the whole bullshit love quote, get over yourself. Who have you actually felt that way about? You don't love, you fuck. So get rid of it, you don't deserve it. So here is my last little thing for you. You think you're all that, as I said you're not. Guys like you are dime a dozen. So, I'm going to set you free. Because I don't deserve you, I deserve better. G'day.
You looked very nice today, be mine?
I'm sorry I didn't see you today. I probably won't see you again until I come back! I just want you to know that I love you and that we WILL be webcaming as often as we can.
You're going to be the one person I miss the most. Like, I realized this last week and it made me really sad. But, in all reality I'm not losing you or anything, you're just going to be far away. Text me, I want to hear how your year goes.

So, that's it. I'm done. I've got to go edit my rant and give it to someone.

That is all for today.

Quote of the Day
"I am very interested and fascinated by how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other."
- The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Crazy Weekend

2009-08-09T21:01:00.002-04:00

Quite honestly, that is all that is needed to say about my weekend because I'm not sure what other words I can use to describe it. It was absolutely fabulous.

On Friday I went out to set up my own checking account--god the guy helping me was cute--and then I headed to the school to 'take pictures.' I ended up helping the mellophones and clarinets *sigh* they need help. I didn't help out for long until I had to head back home and get ready for my photo safari with Tang. It was more than amazing. I learned so much and I can't wait to use it in my photography. I wish I had done it sooner because I really want to get all my friends together and try the new tips she gave me. We started out in Old Salem and traversed around taking photo's which ended up lasting two hours I believe. Afterwards she took me downtown since the Black Theater Festival was going on and we perused around all the different locations. We decided to sit outside and eat at Finnigan's which I had never been to before. It was such a grand experience, sitting outside of a fabulous restaurant during a Theater Festival/Art Gallery listening to the calming jazz music coming from the band performing across the street. It was the type of lifestyle I want to live in. It was such an awesome experience. Luckily, I have something like that close by in college.

Saturday, I kind of forgot what I did...So...we will skip that.

Today was shopping day. My sister and her fiance took me out to to Target, Kohls, and the mall to buy the rest of the clothes that I need for college. It was insane, but I had a good time. We got a lot done and saved a ton of money doing so. Asides from a few more items I need to get, I'm ready for college....I hope.

Speaking of college, 4 days. Wow, I'm shocked that it's that close. I'm really excited and slightly nervous, but I can't wait, It's going to be so much fun.

I also believe that college is going to do me some good. It will get me away from Ten, Georgia, and all the other bastards that should, well, burn I guess. But I can't put all my blame into them, I guess....however it is more fun that way.

Anyway, this next week is going to be crazy.

That is all for today.

Unconscious Mutterings

Death :: Life
Identified :: Pursuit
Saturday :: Night Live
Dumped :: Broken Hearted
Division :: Bell
Stilted :: Clowns
Crimes of :: Passion
Stumped :: On A Test
Future :: In-Laws
Team :: Player

Clean Out

2009-08-06T23:32:00.000-04:00

Well, I spent most of today going through all the clothes I owned and making a pile of 'don't want/won't wear.' I was actually quite amazed at the results, but more on that later.

On Tuesday I had Nevercrack come over to pick me up--due to the fact that my car was in the shop--and take me to band camp with her. Well, on our way her car started to freak out and we ended up having to turn around and take my dad's truck. We finally arrive and it's a few hours before the Rookies arrived so I just walked around and bugged/caught up with everyone I hadn't seen in forever. So, I'm still not quite sure how I feel about the band this year. The rookies weren't great, but at the same time weren't 'terrible'...but it was still pretty bad.

Then, on Wednesday, I got together with Greek and Pumpkin to do some shopping. I must say they have very good taste for me. I ended up buying this very nice blue shirt from Fossil and I am planning on wearing it tomorrow. I think overall we ended up finding a fair amount of clothing for me but unfortunately I only had $10--the shirt was 8 bucks. I'm hoping that once I go shopping with my sister and mom I will have a little bit more money to go back out with them and buy somethings. Even though none of us ended up buying much, it was very fun walking around with them. I think I ended up getting hit on but two guys, one if Fossil and one in another store, and it was...interesting. Afterwards we headed out to get some food, and as you know. Me + Winston = Moe's. So we headed off to Moe's and to prove how often I go there. The guy taking our order new me and already knew what I was going to get, haha. We ended up spending our time talking about college and all the great stuff we are going to do once we get up there. On our way home we stopped by Lunchline's house and talked with him for a bit before Greek took me home. Overall, very good time, and it only got better. When I got home I cleaned up a bit and Mou--originally Tallone--came over and we had one of our movie nights. We watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and quite honestly, I don't know I feel about the movie. It was an excellent movie but at the end both Mou and I were like 'What? Did that really just happen?' So that was a fun night.

Today as you know was spent cleaning my closet. I also got my car back! It now has nobs for the air condition as well! CHaDOS was supposed to come over and hang with me today, but his sister decided to drag him to her house, which sucks because I really wanted to see him. I did have some family time which consisted of going out for Mexican. However during it DayLate called me and wanted me to come hang with him and GuitarGirl as they drugged themselves with caffeine. I wanted to go but along with the family time I really needed to come home and finish going through my clothes and working on other random college nonsense.

And, for all those curious minds out there...here is my entire wardrobe.

-5 pairs of long black socks
-29 pairs of regular socks (mix of white and black)
-12 pairs of boxers
-7 pairs of shorts
-2 pairs of Khaki dress pants.
-2 pairs of Black dress pants
-7 button up shirts ((3 are solid dressy colors white, black, and purple))
-6 Polo's
-roughly 34 shirts
-7 pants
-5 hoodies
-2 ties ((Silver and Maroon))
-4 belts ((only one is a black dress belt))

That is all for today.

New Meds

2009-08-03T23:31:00.002-04:00

Well, I decided to try out the new medication my doctor prescribed in order to get a 'feel' for it. Turns out, the meds make me fairly loopy. I could hardly walk straight and was just out of it. It was actually pretty fun.

We took my car in to get 'fixed' up. I'm fairly upset that I won't have it for a few days. But eh, it's getting fixed up so I'm happy.

Nothing much exciting happened.

That is all for today.

100th

2009-08-02T23:58:00.000-04:00

As promised, my 100th post is going to actually be a post. I've been trying to break my laziness but due to recent events--roommate visitation, family visits--I have not been able to post until today. So here's to a new beginning *cheers* speaking of new beginnings, after getting halfway through this post I realized how lame using initials were. I'm now making up nicknames for everyone and using it.

I'm honestly not sure where to begin. However I did go back and read my previous post so I now think I have a fair idea of where to start, okay, that's a lie. I shall attack this thing head on with whatever pops into my head first.

I guess I'll start with Georgia. So, I said earlier that he was in a relationship, I was wrong. It actually ended fairly quickly *laughs on the inside*. However, there is always a back-up plan, aka, he calls over some random guy from Asheville who ends up spending the night. As a good friend of mine would say, sketch much? Oh, it gets even sketchier. The same night that guy was coming over Roomie was coming over, more on that later. He practically offered a 'double date' type deal where he and I would practice together and our guest would be left to talk. I was actually taken aback by that idea. It actually does get even more sketchy but I'm not at liberty to speak of it.

To change the subject to non-sketchy things, let's talk about my roommate. We finally met. He came over to my house to spend the night. It was very amusing, I asked my dad and when he asked about Roomie's orientation he quickly responded 'NO.' My response? 'Uh, Dad, we are rooming with each other for a year' He kind of looked at me dumbfounded, it was very amusing. So anyways, my roommate came over and we had a great time. I gave him a 'tour' of our county, let him meet Nevercrack, and then we ran buy Barns & Noble where I ended up buying The Complete Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and the Complete Works of Lewis Carroll. The next day we just ended up going shopping because he was going to leave later that day. Well, we were wrong. Due to my sister's awkward ear infection, dinner was put on hold and it was also going to storm. He ended up calling his mom and she said it was fine for him to spend another night. That night we ended up watching the movie Seven. I must say it was a very excellent movie. Brad Pitt and Morgen Freeman should be in more movies together. On the final day of our adventure I introduced him to my sister and she ended up having me run errands. It was actually quite fun. I got paid and Roomie and I got to explore houses on sale. So, we got back, chilled for a bit, and he left. I can't wait for college to start, he and I clicked so this year will be exciting.

Let's see, last Sunday GuitarGirl and I got together for a little picnic. It was AMAZING. We started our day at Rich Park and gossipped and hung out while watching the sketchy cops drive around. After getting moved twice due to stupid churches, we packed up and headed back to her house to go swimming for a few hours. Well, a few hours ended up being till 11:30 at night, but it was well worth it! We watched South Park, talked, played jokes on people, and overall had a blast.

I'm not as worried about college marching band as I was. I started practicing my music and turns out, I can actually play most of the notes that I recently thought I couldn't. Go me!

Almost forgot something, after Roomie left, I headed out to Tallone's--if you don't like this name please contact me and give me a new one :)--house for a game night with Sparkles and Twin 1. It was a blast, I had not seen any of them in a long time so catching up was a game in itself. The game for the night. Maw, or as Sparkles says Mow. It's pronounced very weird but it's a very fun game. Unfortunately, I can't explain any of the rules because that would ruin the whole game, haha.

So, I believe that is it. Everything else I want to blog about I can't, sorry. So I'm hoping this post will break my hiatus from blogging. Well, I know it will because in two weeks I will be writing these from my new college dorm. God that is a scary thought, but I'm excited.

That is all for today

Unconscious Mutterings

Memo :: Checks
Copy :: And Paste
Office :: TV Show
Stapler :: Staple Gun
Paycheck :: Money
Watercooler :: Beer
Desk :: Face
Human :: Hostage
Resort :: Last
Boss :: Head Honcho

Hiatus

2009-07-29T00:54:00.002-04:00

Again, not sure why I've slowed down on my blogging. I will just say I'm lazy.

Ugh, so much to say. Quite honestly the only reason I'm doing this post is because I forgot about my Unconscious Mutterings and I really wanted to do them. Also this is my 99th post so I decided to hold of on a 'major' post until my 100th one which should come in on Friday. Depends on how tomorrow and Thursday run. So yeah, life has been crazy. Stay tuned for more info, it will be juicy--I hope--.

That is all for today.

Unconscious Mutterings

Taxman :: Businessman
Material :: Fabric
Format :: A Document
File cabinet :: Bitch Work
Ignore :: Oneself
Super! :: Fabulous!
Fireproof :: Waterproof
Blockbuster :: Movie
Snooper :: What?
Good will :: Cheap Clothes

Apple

2009-07-21T23:20:00.002-04:00

Today has been full of oddities, some good some bad.

My day started out with an email that directed me to WCU's marching information/download site. I have never printed so much in my life before. My black ink was full when I started and I will have to order some soon. But I finally have all my forms and music. Speaking of the music, HOLY. CRAP. It's insane. I'm really worried because they have me playing notes that I can't even play. After talking with A about it though I'm not as worried. I'm perfectly fine if I have to play second. All I know is I HAVE to start practicing and I hope A gets on facebook soon and answers me.

The next oddity was learning that B had a new boyfriend. I still hate the fact that I got so worked up about it. Ugh, stupid emotions...stop acting up.

I've gained yet another stalker! Go me! I think this brings me up to...I think 5 or 6.

I also gained a new love for Apple. After spending all that money on my mac and iTouch, not only did we get a rebate for the iTouch, I got two free iTunes gift cards for $25 bucks. YAY!

Now for a list of purchases

ATL's new album Nothing Personal
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Album
Owl City's new album
I Got A Feeling by Black Eyed Peas
Boom Boom Pow by BEP
You Found Me by The Fray
Lux Aeterna by Clint Mansell ((by fathers request))
Anyway by Telepopmusik
That's Not My Name by the Ting Tings
I updated my iTouch

So yeah, I'm going to spend the night rocking out!

That is all for today.

A Joyous Amount Of Blogging

2009-07-21T02:51:00.000-04:00

Well, let me first say that I apologize to all my readers for my hiatus. I'm not entirely sure what happened with my time. I had plenty of it but I never got around to working on a post. I guess the only days I had a valid excuse was...well everyday but Sunday. Anyway, enough excuses, time to blog.

So, as most of know I had to go to the doctors on Tuesday for my 'social anorexia.' He prescribed me two types of drugs--one I take every day, and one I take whenever I need it. I started myself on the everyday pill on Thursday. That day was HELL. I was drastically sick all day and could hardly do anything. I actually had to go sit in my mom's room because I was close to passing out. Now I'm to the point where it doesn't really affect me, which is good. Too bad the actual effects don't occur for roughly 4 weeks...

The next day I attend our final camping trip--YAY!/NO! It was absolutely amazing. I ended up spending an extra night with B and J. Most of the camping time was spent basking in the glory that is Infamous. Holy. Crap. That game is amazing. Almost perfect. The game is a very balanced action/adventure game. The powers you obtain completely blow my mind and the ending...wow. So the camping trip was amazing.

Sunday night was once again spent with revelations, well I guess more of memories...stupid stupid memories.

Today. Was. Amazing. Started out bad, but it got good, very quickly. I FINALLY found out who my roommate is. He called me this morning and I started freaking out because I didn't recognize the number and my dad came to my room telling me the phone was for me. When I answered the phone all I heard was, 'J? This is J, you're roommate.' I was at a lose for words and quickly jumped to my computer and checked my emails to see that I in fact did receive my roommate information. So the next hour or so--it might have been two--was spent talking and stuff. So far, he is really cool. We share a lot in common and I can't wait to meet him, which I hope is soon. Unfortunately he lives about 4 hours away, so I'm not sure how that will work. But as I said, we will find a way.

Afterwards I finally set up my photo safari with J, my sister's photographer. It's going to be amazing. Right now we are going to go around Old Salem and then head to the old RJ Reynolds Factory. On top of that I will have two phographers with me so I'm pretty exicted about what all I'm going to learn.

I think I've decided that I'm going to dedicate Don't Stop Believin to this previous year. I look back on it and that songs pops up more times then I can count.....it means a lot to me.

That is all for today.

Unconscious Mutterings

Banter :: Playful
Amazing :: Today
Towel :: Dry Off With
Cinema :: Transformers
Newspaper :: News
Not good :: Very Bad
My type :: Of Guy
Twinkle :: Twinkle Litte Star
Actress :: Actor
Daft :: Punk

Lights Out

2009-07-15T20:57:00.002-04:00

I really hate not knowing how to title my posts....

So, I didn't do much these past two days. Yesterday I went to the doctors, today I got my medication, and honestly that's about it.

B has once again pissed me off with his utter bullshit, but now that I think about it...I'm afraid if I complain about it I would somehow be hypocritical about it. I don't know why, but that weird feeling just appears. But screw the feeling, B and C are friends again after he said he wasn't going to be friends with him because of all the drama. Oh well, it shouldn't bug me, but it does...damn you life.

That is all for today.

Transparent

2009-07-14T01:15:00.001-04:00

Today's title has absolutely nothing to do with the post. I'm just running out of titles and it's what I'm currently listening to.

So, ugh, today has been completely weird.

I set up my appointment with the doctor for my thing, whatever the hell it is. Then I finally caught up on Weeds. Okay actually I'm only up to season 2 because they don't have streaming of season 3 & 4 on Netflix, which pisses me off. The season finale for season 2 was insane.

After all this however, I felt as though a few strings of mine were starting to come loose. I was just sitting around when I started thinking of things, and in turn started to regret a few things. To add to that I realized that tomorrow--actually today--in one month I will be in college, and I started to cry. Like, I'm not scared or anything, but it's weird thinking that I will be a college kid in a month. I was lucky enough to have K and B with me to help calm me down.

But of course, as soon as I get over it. Creeper, Stalker, and T all decide to talk to me at once. What turned out to be bad actually ended up twisting to my favor. I was able to be a bitch--I don't think they realized it--and I was able to find out more about my stalker. It's sketch, very very sketch...

Argh, I got distracted by TV and have no idea what else I needed to blog about.

That is all for today.

Quote of the Day
"Do not fall into the trap of pretending everything is fine when you know that it's not."
- Unknown

Surprise!

2009-07-12T22:44:00.000-04:00

Today has been full of surprises...well, maybe not full of them but I've had quite a few.

I guess the first one I want to point out is the fact that I have a new stalker--Yay me! He isn't that bad, he is actually polite...it's a bummer I have to crush his heart...*shrugs*

T and I started talking again. God I can't wait to see him again, I haven't seen him or E in years and I really need to see them once before I go off to college, I really miss them and I'm a douche for not visiting more...

I would post more but I believe my internet is about to get cut due to thunder--stupid storms.

That is all for today.

Unconscious Mutterings

Sister :: I Have Two
Talks :: Alot
Electric! :: Guitar
Corner :: Of The Road
Turnstile :: I Can't Say Correctly
Swap :: N' Stop
Young :: Old
Horrific :: Nightmare
Block :: Football
Wind :: Blown Look

Heritage

2009-07-11T23:24:00.001-04:00

I must say I absolutely love my Heritage.

On Thursday I left home with my sisters to go up to Boone to visit my granddad and to attend the Highland Games. The trip up was very entertaining. I was able to grab a lot of photos--even if some were taken on private property, opps. We ended up being about an hour late due to the photo taking spree, but eh, it adds to my portfolio. We went out to eat once we arrived, which only ended in me getting sick and almost passing out at Marble Slab. I really have to get that checked out.

The night ended with my sister calling me a Sodomite. But trust me, it was all in good humor. We were discussing a book that she believed was very outdated due to the fact that it called my kind a Sodomite. When she said that I busted into a fit of laughter and we both ended up joking about it the rest of the night.

The next day things went a little downhill. I got sick--again--over breakfast and after we returned home we had some issues but soon enough, we were heading to Grandfather Mountain for the Highland Games. The drive up was rather creepy, it was VERY foggy but we pulled off at a few overlooks and I was amazed at the shots I was able to get. When we finally reached the games it took us forever to find a freaking parking place, they ended up being 3 down the road from Linville at Avery High School. Both my older sister and I felt a little sick when we got there--I was actually afraid we would have to leave--but we managed to make it to the shuttle bus and were on our way to the games. The bus ride up was insane. It was uphill in a freaking stick shift bus, let me tell you...that was scary. But after a 'few' twist and turns we made it to the games. It was rather exhilarating walking through the campsite seeing tons of people in kilts--in fact I remember texting 'Cute boys, kilts, and bagpipes...oh my' to a few friends. Both my sister and I were a little taken aback by the entry fee price, but I can understand why it would be so much.

The games were laid out around a track, in the center of the track the games were held and all around the outskirts of the track the different clans set up their 'stations.' We decided to start things off by walking around the clans. We were able to find our clan, but no one was at the booth so I just took a picture for my mom and we pressed onwards. We were distracted by another nearby tent where a small band was playing. It was amazing. The band consisted of brass, drums, and bagpipes. I don't remember what they played but it was still amazing. During the performance this guy walked up to the tent wearing a purple kilt and I wanted to jump him and steal it, if only he was cute.

We continued walking around checking out the other clans. I was kind of distracted with all the cute guys in kilts *daydreams* We found another stage where one band was playing--I forgot their name but I have a picture of the set list. We watched them perform for a bit before heading out to watch a few dancing contest. We learned that we came to late to watch the actual games and the only thing left was dancing and sheep herding. It got boring real quick so we ended up walking around some of the shops. I was hoping to buy a kilt but I knew I wasn't going to have enough money. They had some fabulous stuff though. When I go back I'm going to be sure that I have enough money to buy at least something. We spent an hour looking around the shops before the band Albannach was going to perform. All day we had heard about them, and almost everyone was wearing their shirts. So we headed back to the second performing stage and stood by a tree.

A previous band, once again I forgot their name, was just ending up and they were fairly good. But once Albannach got one stage everything got crazy. They were amazing, I was instantly addicted to them after their first song. They are a bunch of guys--well, there are two girls--all of which are in kilts, all of which have tattoos, and all of them were rocking out. There were 7 people I believe, 6 of them were playing drums while one of them was on the bagpipes. It was amazing. After we finished rocking out--and to the family that was raving with their weapons...I love you--we headed to get some Merch. We ended up buying their live CD--which I was iffy about but was thoroughly impressed--and two shirts. We were getting ready to leave when the hot member of their band--my sister and I were oogling over him--walked by and my sister did a complete 180 to check him out. I was about to drag her away when we saw him pull out a sharpie to start signing things. We quickly ripped open the CD, I pulled out my camera, and we ran over to him. I don't know what was more entertaining, his face when we ran up to him, or the fact that I got to meet him. He was so cute and awkward but we ended up getting his autograph and a picture with him. My sister then got the rest of the bands autograph and a picture with one other member. He was hilarious...

Sister: 'Hey there, how are you doing?"
Guy: 'I'm not doing to good actually'
Sister: 'Oh? What's wrong?'
Guy: 'I'm sober.'

So yeah, he was great. We decided that we had enough--it was also freezing--so we decided it was time to head home. There is really nothing left to report of that day.

Today was very laid back. B came over and we hung out for a bit. I got my printer set up and can now print out some of the pictures I've taken. But other than that, nothing much today, it was very laid back. Now I'm going to go watch Weeds.

That is all for today.

Erg...

2009-07-08T20:55:00.004-04:00

My god, I've been awake for freaking 32 hours trying to fix my sleep schedule. If this doesn't work I'm gonna be pissed. Anyway,one of my favorite blogs had this up and since I had absolutely nothing to blog about, I decided to 'borrow' it and use it for today's post. Have fun.

Today is: Wednesday 8th July 2009.
Today I got up at: I actually didn't even go to bed...
Today I have been to: Various rooms in my house.
Today I have spoken to: Everyone in the family, B, C, R, K, and J.
Today I have made: Myself stay up for almost 32 hours straight.
Today I heard the news that: My new photographer idol was at 9/11.
Today I daydreamed about: Haha, we're not going to get into that.
Today I am happy because: I may finally fix my damn sleep schedule.
Today I am sad because: I haven't slept in 32 hours.

Today's T-shirt: Uh, shirtless, then gray T-shirt, then shirtless again.
Today's footwear: Brown Vanns.
Today's socks: Plain old white socks.
Today's undies: Dark red, green, and blue plaid.
Today's jewellery: My class necklace.

Today's breakfast: Goldfish I believe. At least that's what I was munching on all morning.
Today's lunch: We will go with Ramen.
Today I have also eaten: Lots of bagels and popcorn.
Today I have drunk: Tangerine flavored water.

Today I have listened to: Weightless, Swing, and Irish Legends...plus whatever was playing while I mowed the yard.
Today I have watched: Mental, House, Americas Got Talent, Nurse Jackie, and Weeds.
Today's websites have included: deviantART, Facebook, Myspace, this one, and all my websites on RSS Feeds--which is about 21--Oh! And whatever the heck stumble sent me to.
Today's computer programs were: Firefox, iChat, Aperture, iTunes, Widgets, and Spore.
Today's desktop wallpaper is: 'Candy' that C gave me.

Today 1 year ago: I was reading the break-up message D sent me.
Today 5 years ago: God I don't know, more than likely playing Runescape or some stupid game like that.
Today 10 years ago: More than likely playing with my toys while watching something.
Today 25 years ago: Who knows I wasn't even bloody born yet. Uh, Alexis Dziena was born.
Today 50 years ago: Uh, Robert Knepper was born.
Today 100 years ago: Google failed on this one.

Fabulous...

2009-07-08T05:03:00.002-04:00

It seems that my sleep pattern has been officially raped-smashed-screwed up-violated-shot-gunned downed-silenced-burned-obliterated-karate chopped-stolen-fucked. I'm not entirely sure what's wrong with it. I've stayed up late before, and then the next day I was back to my normal pattern. But no, not this time. I have not gone to bed earlier than 4:30 the past 5 days. It's actually 5 right now and I just decided to say fuck it. I'm staying up all night in order to get to sleep later this evening at a reasonable hour...god I hope this works.

Whenever I lay down to try and fall asleep, I tend to let my mind wander until it picks up an interesting thought. After said thought is picked out, I spend the next minutes--or however long it takes--dissecting that thought in order to better understand it. I recently began working on two thoughts, both of which happen to be dreams that I have had. The first one deals with someone who used to be really close to me. In the dream, we are together again and we decide to run away to be 'happy.' I got to thinking about the dream and realized that one thing that seems to be a running factor in my dreams. Whenever they involve my house--this one did, by the way--the layout of my house is different from real life, but it is the same in each dream. Well, it's more of the landscape around the house is different. In my backyard there usually always seems to be a river--which happens whenever it rains for elongated periods of time--, in the woods to the left of my house seem to turn into a giant bog--which, again, when it rains there is a small one--, and the woods to the right of my house hold a great big swamp--again...well actually there is a swamp/pond type thing but it's farther from my house than I would like. And usually the 'path' I travel through the dream is the same as well. I start at out my house, walk up the road to the woods across my drive--these are the only ones that vary from dream to dream--, then I traverse back to the yard to the right of my house, then I walk around the garage to the side yard, then to the back--sometimes I try to get into my room once I reach this stage but I usually never get in--, then from the back I make my way to the 'bog.' From there I actually walk up to my neighbors house which is usually reverse from what it actually looks like. At that point something usually occurs and my dream ends. It's very odd, with the dream I had--with me and my old friend--before we tried to run away my parents sent the FBI after us. They got my friend and I ended up following the above said path trying to rescue them. It was a very odd dream none the less but it was interesting. I love my dreams, there so...odd.

The second thought, or dream, involved a daydream/fantasy mix thingy. It was how I hoped I would receive my first kiss from someone. It's funny actually, this version--and yes there are other versions of this dream--involves the city, snow, and coffee, and no not all at once, but that is all I will say about it.

So, K and I recently played a joke on R. Me being the paranoid one decided to stop it before it got too drastically far, with a little help from sos though. We ended up calling and we all ended up laughing over it. He also got back at me with some stupid game, the jerk. Anyway, I didn't think about it until now, but during the whole joke R was very open about it. Like, he didn't completely flip out over it, in fact he was very helpful through the whole thing, even if it was a joke, and I realize now--well I've known it but you get what I'm saying--that he is one of those guys that no matter what happens, he would be there to help you through it. And since I know he is reading this, all I want to say...is Hi.

Something also occurred today, well, yesterday that was very...odd. My little sister decided to make a dress. I must say if she gives up on the whole 'Horse Trainer' career desire she would be a kick ass art major, not sure which field though. The thing is, this dress was made out of an old sheet--which kind of pisses me off because I think the sheets she uses for stuff like this are the ones that only fit my bed...--and once she finished with the body of the dress, she put it on and wore it around. I was getting ready to leave for a Sonic run when she had put it on and I was greeted upstairs with my dad almost in tears because 'his little baby way growing up' and it 'looked too much like a prom dress.' Needless to say, I'm happy I had to leave. The whole situation was very, awkward.

I do believe I will end my blog now, mainly because Bitter Sweet Symphony started playing on my podcast and I want to sit here and listen to it. I'm also going to leave you with a fairly long quote since god knows how many quote days I've missed.

That is all for today.

Quote of the Day
"What defines a best friend? What are the requirements to be a good best friend? How many hours a week does it entail? Stupid questions that have no answers. A best friend is not defined by how many times they talk on the phone, or how many hours they hang out together. It is not defined by how many sleepovers they gossip at, or how many inside jokes they have. There are no requirements or laws that state that a good best friend must hang out with them every weekend, or tell each other every little detail. A best friend is a matter of opinion. It is the person who has been there for you through everything, not just through the fun things, or the little things. It is the person that you call when you are at your absolute worst, it is the person who saves you when you didn't even notice that you needed saving, mostly it is the person who accepts you for who you are, and the person that you are becoming"
- Unknown

Sleep Deprivation

2009-07-06T04:24:00.000-04:00

I'm not entirely sure what is wrong with me...This is the third night in a row that I've been up past 2. In the past I've usually hit the hay at around 2 but here recently I've stayed up till close to 4. Quite honestly, it bothers me. What bugs me more is that I took some medication that is supposed to knock me out earlier today. It has done nothing but made me feel really numb. I really hate saying that but that is the only way I really know how to describe it. Parts of me are just getting this weird tingly sensation and that doesn't normally happen, I have even felt slightly light-headed/nauseous. I really hope this will pass because I might go crazy if I keep staying up this late.

So, I've decided that instead of just laying in bed, looking at the ceiling, and listening to random music to put me to sleep I would bust out the laptop, turn on my Chilled Music Podcast, and actually blog about stuff other than my day, I really hope this helps me...

I really want to know who my roommate is, like desperately. It really irks me that everyone else I know has already gotten their roommate and I won't get mine till mid July. I'm really frightened that it won't give me enough time to actually get to know them. I would honestly have less than a month to talk/meet him. However at the same time, I'm terrible scared about getting a roommate. I realize now that I've never been good with 'different' and going from having my own room for 18 years to sharing a room with some complete stranger for a year scares me. Even now as I think about it I'm getting nervous/anxious about the whole situation, or maybe it's just the medication.

It's really scary, 4 years ago I was a little freshman, excited, and scared, about the big bad high school. Now I'm a high school graduate getting ready to go off to college. To be exact, in 9 days, including today since it's freaking 3 in the morning, I will be sitting in my college dorm settling in for band camp. It's exhilarating! I still remember my first day of high school, walking through the halls sharing glances with kids who I'd never meet before and not knowing that in four years they would be some of my closest friends. Back then I thought I had all the time in the world. I thought fours years was a long time, but sitting here now, looking back on all those memories, I realize how wrong I was. I'm looking at who I was four years ago, and looking at who I am now. Physically, I've grown taller, my hair has grown longer, I've gained some weight--and possibly some muscle--, and I've gotten facial hair, even though it's not much. Mentally, I don't believe I will attempt to touch that turf, not yet at least, but I do know I've gained a better understand of the ever faithful word 'maturity.'

I'm not entirely sure how one would go off starting this next paragraph--I literally just spent 10 minutes thinking how to completely veer off course and start this--without making it sound like some essay so I decided I would just close my eyes, not literally of course, and dive right in. A few months ago, the idea of leaving for college and losing all my friends was a thought that constantly plagued my mind. It wasn't until recently that I realized how silly and inane that thought was. I was actually thinking about yearbook signing when the thought occurred. I thought back to Freshman year when I wanted everyone to sign it because we were friends and it's what we were supposed to do. It wasn't until this previous year that I truly understood it. I realized that yearbook signing is supposed to be some sort of 'closer' for the year. Where you get all your friends to write their fondest memories of you, and wish you luck as your next chapter begins. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE yearbook signing. But I remember during this previous year that deep down, I only wanted the people that I actually had fond memories with to write in mine. Not as a closer, but more of a memoir, granted we still wished each other goodbye and best wishes. But I realize that it wasn't an official goodbye--which is also why I barely cried at graduation--but more of a 'see ya soon' type deal. It reminds me of one of my friends comment in my yearbook. It went something like, 'I'm not going to say best of wishes and good luck and all that stuff. I will be seeing you in college.' Actually I just went and got my yearbook to make sure and it reads, ''I will not be writing any of the following: 'Had Fun,' 'Keep in touch,' 'Don't ever change,' 'Good luck in college,' or the even the ever-present 'HAGS.' At any rate, I consider you to be one of my best friends, and I'm going to miss you. I'll come visit you when I'm in town and you better come visit me." So yeah, what they wrote is the truth. The people that are my best friends don't need a goodbye--as well as the previous person, another friend even said 'I'm going to miss you, but I'm not going to say goodbye'-- just a 'see-ya soon' because deep down, we know this isn't a goodbye, and it never will be. Those four--or even less--years built something that is not going to be destroyed by something as simple as distance. Even though we may not talk as much all the people I've built a connection with, I'll never lose, it may get weathered away with time, but it'll will still be there.

I would write more, but it is now 4 in the morning. I have read over my blog and fixed the errors that caught my eye. If there are any let, which I'm sure there are, I apologize. It's very late--early?--and I've never written this much, this tired. However after writing all this I feel, almost lighter. Granted none of these topics are really what I would consider 'drastic,' but I guess they in fact are. I believe I will also finish off my post differently with a hodgepodge of different things I've read/collected over the years.

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that can be. To all my readers out there, thank you. You have been with me through my crazy life and I'm very happy that you all have been apart of it. It means a lot that you guys have taken the time to read and sometimes comment this crazy thing. I know this sounds like a closer for my blog, but trust me, it's not, and I hope that who ever is reading this right now, you will continue to. You make me feel infinite and I want to thank you again. I love whoever you are very dearly and I want you to know that.

Now then, before the drugs make me type anymore crazy--though truthful--things, I'm going to go to sleep. Until next time.

Goodnight

I guess I should put this here...Quotes used in the last paragraph are not of my creation. All the credit goes to Stephen Chbosky, writer of The Perks of being a Wallflower, one of the most amazing books out there.

So Much To Blog...

2009-07-05T22:31:00.002-04:00

Let's see, where to begin...

I guess I will start with the party. So, B was having a party--or rather a family get together thingy--which I was invited to. It was, interesting. Her family is rather strange. Part of me feels bad for saying that but I know she wouldn't care, she sort of agrees. The weirdest part of the whole party was when her Aunt came up to me and said, 'Oh is this the baby?' "No, this is my friend" 'Oh, she is such a pretty girl' "Uh, it's a guy" 'Oh? Well he makes a pretty girl' So, was I not only called a women, but I was called the daughter of B who is in fact younger than me. So that was rather interesting...

After that I came home, picked up my sister, and headed out to meet S & N for fireworks. It was very fun. They were making fun of me for my photo taking skills but it was hilarious, we were all making fun of each other. The fireworks were great--except for the one that almost hit the poor people--I ended up getting some very good photos to add to my portfolio. We ended up getting out of their extremely quickly, and went for ice cream afterwards.

When I got home things decided to take a turn for the worse. I got a splitting headache that ended up causing me pain every time I took a step and ASU finally decided to send me a letter, actually it can't be considered a letter, it was total bullshit.

The letter told me this...

We are pleased to offer you admission for the Spring Semester 2010.
BUT!!!! In order for that, you have to resend in all the information that you already sent in the first time you tried to get into our school. Oh and you also have to do a few more things.

So basically it was a complete bullshit letter telling my I had to practically redo my application process. So needless to say I've basically given up on ASU right now and I'm going to stick with Western. But honestly, no matter what happens it's going to be a win win situation for me. Both schools have my major, both are what I'm looking for, and both have a good marching band, however Western's is better.

Later that night R and I held a very interesting conversation. It was fun though, I don't know why I enjoyed it so much. I guess because I see it as an 'opening' up type thing--I know, weird.
--After typing this I realized that this was in fact the previous night before all the events I blogged about before hand, sorry for getting the time line out of wack--

Anyway, today was filled with nothing terribly exciting, but such is Sundays.

That is all for today.

Unconscious Mutterings

Independence :: Day
Meltdown :: Mental Breakdown
Vulture :: Prey
Hope :: Very Little
Float :: ing on cloud nine
Hole :: In One
Trespass :: Will Be Shot Again
Moving :: August 14th
Extinct :: Species
Alligator :: Crocagator

A Better Day

2009-07-03T22:00:00.002-04:00

As the title says, today was a much better day than yesterday. I went out and worked on my photography a bit and then C came over with B and we hung out for a bit. It was fun, we joked around. Unfortunately they had to leave so it was a very short visit. We are all currently talking over Skype which is very fun, odd, but fun.

I'm actually fairly tired, which is odd for it being this early in the day...

That is all for today.

Quote of the Day
"A friend will know by the sound of your voice, by the look on your face, by the way you walk, by the things you do, exactly what kind of day you're having."
- Unknown

Writing

2009-07-02T23:36:00.000-04:00

Well, I have come to a conclusion. I only feel like writing when I'm drifting towards my blue sea. And I'm currently looking at a blank word document working out what I'm going to write about. Wanna know why? I'm drifting downwards--maybe it's more of crashing--towards my ever faithful blue sea.

It started earlier today when I started thinking about certain things, and when I start thinking about one thing, I start thinking about other things and it all just starts to build up. I really don't know how to exactly explain it all...there was just so much.

I'm starting to fall slower though, thankfully R let me talk to him. Honestly if it wasn't for him letting me rant I'm not sure where I would be now. So here's to you R, thank you for being there.

Let's go see what I can accomplish in the writing department...

That is all for today.

Thoughts

2009-07-01T20:40:00.000-04:00

Well, it seems that once again, my brain gets bombarded by completely random thoughts that make me question so many things.

Some of my conclusions have been--odd--and I'm not quite sure how I feel about them.

--I'm not going to use initials, let's see how anonymous I can make it--

The one that has bugged me the most occurred last night. I was talking to a friend when we got on the conversation of piercings. We got onto the topic of where we would get pierced if we had to and after discussing they told me that they were going to get one of their piercings. It really struck me as odd because I really could picture them with one. After our conversation though, I started thinking about it, and now I really want to get it done. I never really thought about getting it until that conversation and it made me think. Do I want it because they are getting it? Or do I truly want to get it done. I'm not sure and it really bugs me. I honestly feel like I'm being obnoxious because I now want to get it done after they told me they want it.

You know what's awkward, talking to two people you haven't really talked to in forever at the same time. This occurred yesterday as well--why yes yesterday was full of surprises. I was watching Americas Got Talent and one of the contestants reminded me of an 'old friend.' So I decided to text them and mention it. Well, we ended up continuing our conversation until about 1. It was interesting, like, I didn't feel awkward like I originally thought I would. Granted a few things were brought up that probably shouldn't have been brought up but eh, whatever. It was during our conversation that another old friend who I hardly talk to now called me. I guess they had reason to since we were originally talking over facebook. But let me tell you, it was weird talking to both of them at the same time.

I know there are more situations I can talk about, I really do. But as always, my thoughts are completely drained after writing most of this. Argh, I know I will think of them later tonight.

That is all for today.

The End of the World

2009-06-29T00:33:00.000-04:00

Well, I wasn't going to blog tonight but then I realized I had to do my Unconscious Mutterings. So I decided to talk about the end of the world.

What brought this on was due to a movie I watched today, The Day The Earth Stood Still. It was a decent movie, I enjoyed it. It's one of your traditional 'end of the world' films. Aliens come, humans are the reason, and we have the end of the world. But the moral of the whole movie was, we as a civilization are at the brink of destruction. We understand this yet choose to ignore it. Hopefully, when the world really is at the brink of extinction, we will finally snap out of it and realize 'Hey! We need to fix the planet.' So yeah...

I personally think that the whole situation is quite possible. I ended up in a small argument with my sister over the movie. She tried to argue that it was the governments fault that we are in this situation, when partially it is, but I told her it was we has a population. Then she started ranting about how we need to 'fix ourselves' to which I commented on how earlier she complained about how dependent we has a whole are on electricity, but she is still sitting upstairs watching TV with the lights on yadda yadda. She tried to argue with the fact that I sit downstairs with two computers running while listening to music. I then responded with the simple fact that, I don't care. I mean I do care, but it's to the point that I can't really do anything to help/hurt. I quite honestly want to see the world's end due to the Human race, I know that's bad but it's true. But after that comment she shut up and when I came back upstairs the whole front half of the house was dark because she turned out all the lights, lit candles, and proceeded to watch TV like that.

Does that whole situation make me a bad person?

That is all for today.

Unconscious Mutterings

Guest :: House
Impact :: Survival
Unplanned :: Events
Tactic :: Advantage
Delayed :: Action
Bombastic :: Surprise
Comfort :: Cuddling
Trumpet :: Player
Joe :: Bidden
Budget :: Cuts

Stalker

2009-06-26T22:43:00.000-04:00

What enticed you to take a picture of me at Graduation? I mean, I would understand it if we were even remotely friends but the last time we even talked was when you were trying to get into his pants. It just strikes me as odd that you would have taken a picture of me. To be honest, it's very creepy and I request that you do not do it again. Kthanxbai.

That is all for today.

Quote of the Day
"How we need that security! How we need another soul to cling to, another body to keep us warm. To rest and trust; to give your soul in confidence: I need this, I need someone to pour myself into."
~Sylvia Plath

WCU Part 2

2009-06-25T22:04:00.000-04:00

Okay, I WILL finish about my Orientation in this post. I have to. Fuck it, I will just do detailed dots...

After the awkward game we headed to lunch where I met S and T.
After Lunch we went to 'class' it was, interesting. Nothing really happened in it.
Then headed to Culter to sit through a poorly put together skit. The only amusing thing about it was when one of the guys got smacked in the balls on accident.
Skipped the 'emotional' talk afterwards because no one in my group wanted to do it. Instead we sat around and talked before heading to our Advisers to get our schedules.
Afterwards T and I walked back to Scott to drop off our stuff before heading back to Dodson to get some food. Yum, Quesadilla.
We then sat outside at the clock tower waiting for our OC to take us to FPAC to listen to our final lecture of the day.
Ended up going to a party where T, S, C, and I ended up just walking around the campus singing random songs we knew.
We then headed back to the UC to grab some food before sitting around doing nothing but talking
Head back to my dorm and decided to blog before heading to bed, which was at like 1 because that's when my roommate decided to come back to the room.
The next day I ate breakfast with K, her mom, and my mom. She and I spent the whole time talking about marching band and band in general.
We then walked to the clock tower where we split up into groups to go fix out schedules and meet with our Department heads. I headed off to FPAC and during our tour of the building I passed through a hallway with Vaginas drawn all over it...it was awkward.
Got my schedule fixed, still need to work on it. Then I went off to get my laptop set up for their wireless, still have yet to get it fixed. Then met up with S and T one last time to say goodbye. Met up with K again, said goodbye, and then I head it home.

Okay, that's basically all that happened during Orientation. Now for all the other fun stuff in my life.

I'm so happy for her. I really hope things work out for her and as she said, it would be nice if it worked out for me as well. Part of me is a little upset that she put more hope inside of me, but honestly...it's nice. Hope feels all warm and fuzzy.

Urgh, why me, why why why why why me....hell why now?

I recently saw UP and Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. Both are VERY good movies. UP made me cry and laugh, Transformers was full of action. Both are movies I wouldn't mind seeing twice.

"I was hiding under your porch because I love you." Best quote ever!

I'm pretty sure that catches me up to the present. I know I've left out a fair amount of details but, I'm tired and wrote this late at night so I need sleep.

That is all for today.

A Little Break

2009-06-24T13:50:00.000-04:00

Well, I was going to finish writing about my trip to Western, and I did start writing it but it got deleted. So I'm putting it on Hiatus. Until, well, later tonight. So I think I've decided that since it is picture Wednesday I'm going to do a little different blog post. So, enjoy.

WCU

2009-06-22T23:38:00.000-04:00

I'm currently sitting on my roommate's desk writing this entry. In case you are curious it's because his desk is closest to the Internet cable and since I didn't get the people to set up the wireless on my computer I'm forced to sit on this desk to get Internet. Anyway back to my post...

College life is crazy.

Like, I'm not even sure where to begin with how crazy today has been. But let's see how well I do.

My day started with me waking up at 5 in the morning, getting a shower, and making sure I had everything packed. During this whole process I distinctly remember thinking 'this trip is going to be hell' which caused me to get sick. Ugh I hate my life sometimes. Anyway, my mom and I left our house at around 6:45 and started our 3 hourish trek to Cullowhee. I really hate long car rides. Especially when they are taking me to something as nerve racking as Orientation. I felt sick the whole ride up and I remember thinking to myself, 'this is going to suck.' If you couldn't tell I'm really pessimistic about situations like these. Well, we finally arrived and when I stepped out of the car and started heading to Scott to check in the feeling started to subside. I'm pretty sure most of my nerves were due to the fact of the whole roommate thing. I tried to push those thoughts aside as I made my way to my room and when I finally found it I made a discovery. I hate Scott building, I'm pretty sure I will go insane if I have to deal with the size of these rooms. Anyway, no soon than I had arrived my roommate arrived.

He is pretty cool, being a jerk and judging him I dub him as a jock. He wore the traditional basketball shorts with a sports shirt, forgot what sport it was. But he walked in said hey asked me who I was, he introduced himself, and his parents introduced themselves as well. So in all meeting him lasted like less than 5 minutes before my mom and I headed out.

Next we had to go to the Ramsay Center to sign in for Orientation, which consisted of me getting a lanyard and those stupid little backpacks, forgot their name. Afterwards i walked around, talked to the marching band people and checked out their Travel Abroad session before I caught up to my mom who was walking around the other section. We then made our way to the actual auditorium and proceeded to sit for 30 minutes waiting for the presentation.

Now for the presentation. It consisted of this guy telling us that

We need to get off Facebook and cut all ties with the losers back home that hold us back from out studying.
Texting is the spawn of Satan
We need to break up with our girlfriends/boyfriends because we are a good looking group of people.

Needless to say it was an interesting lecture.

They then split us into groups. I enjoyed my group, not many douchebags and my group joined another group which lead me to meet S and T. They are cool, we had a blast but more on that later.

Our group leader then took us outside and we all introduced ourselves, we decided not to play the introducing game--for all those in my marching band it was the game J made us play where we said our name and did an action and so on and so forth--but instead joined the other group and played this VERY awkward game. I'm not sure how to describe it but these are the actions we ended up doing

Roll a Joint
Jack It Off
Ejaculate
Rub your balls

Like I said, odd....

Okay honestly, I'm about to roast in this damn dorm and I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be meeting T and S again but I'm not sure...so I'm going to quickly sum up the rest of the trip and go into more detail tomorrow when I have more time and less to worry about.

Had lunch
Had a class
Walked around
Had Dinner
Walked around the school so many times with T and S and C...like a boss
Hung out in the UC with the same people...like a walrus
Came back to the dorm and started blogging

That is all for today.

Orientation

2009-06-22T05:58:00.000-04:00

So, I'm currently sitting at my computer at 6 in the morning waiting for my mom to get ready so we can head up to WCU for 'Orientation.' I'm honestly not looking forward to this. I have been awake since 5, I only gone 4 hours of sleep--damn you wallflower--and I've been freaking out trying to make sure I have everything I need to today and tomorrow.

I really wish I didn't have to spend the night up there, I don't do good with spending the night at unfamiliar places and even though I know I have to 'get used to the dorm life', I would much rather drive up, get my shit, and leave.

I should probably shut up and stop complaining. There is no way it's going to change so I guess I'm just gonna have to suck it up and deal with it, yay me.

That is all for today.

Unconscious Mutterings

Divorce :: Marriage
Napkin :: Whip Your Mouth
Camera :: Photography
Leather :: Bondage
Fractures :: Bones
Flip out :: Flip The Fuck Out
Coroner :: Travel
Atomic :: Bomb
Liz :: My Flute Friend
Leave :: Out All The Rest

Macbook

2009-06-19T15:21:00.000-04:00

Wow, so much to write I'm not even sure where to begin.

I guess I will start with the concert. Yesterday I went to the Taking Back Sunday/Anberlin concert. It was absolutely crazy. As we were driving to Amo's the heavens decided to open up and let loose heavy rain. We actually saw a car that had just hydroplaned into the railing. Finally we got out of the rain when we reached Charlotte and we quickly found a parking spot and headed to the club to wait in line. As we waited in line it started to storm, and when we looked behind us all we saw was a cloud of rain moving towards us. Everyone in the line started to freak out and in the matter of seconds I felt a rain drop, then a wall of rain smacked us. I think the rain lasted only twenty minutes, but my clothes were soaked. Like, for those that attended our bullshit Graduation practice I got more wet from standing in this line then I did at Graduation.

Well, after the rain we started talking to the people around us. Turns out, we were in the wrong line.... We ended up standing in the 'we don't have tickets' line. If we had actually been in the right line we may have not gotten wet...

Anyway, we got inside finally. We had fairly decent spots, not on the railing but close enough. We stood around for about an hour before the concert started. The opening band was called Envy on the Coast, you know a concert is going to be good when the opening band has more cute members than ugly--oh and they sound good. Their lead singer walked out and I looked at my sister who mentioned how cute he was. Well, he was cute, until he started singing. He was doing these random faces throughout the entire concert and it dropped his cute factor to zero. Their guitarist/vocals was cute as well--for anyone there he was the one with the afro. I will say the whole concert held some funny conversations. During the opening band the other guitarist started talking and someone in the crowd yelled 'FREEBIRD' to which the guitarist looks up and responds with 'Freebird? Seriously, shut the fuck up. Name someone from NC and then we will play.' Then he goes on to talk about how they will be at Denny's afterwards and the lead singer is like ''OH! There is a sticker on the stage here that says 'Hair salon equipment here''' He then looks at the guitarist with the fro and tells him the sticker is for him. Then the other guitarist looks over and goes 'Dude! I'm trying to tell these people about Denny's. No one cares about your damn sticker, shut the fuck up.' It was hilarious. Then during their final song all the tech people came out and ran to the nearest microphone and started singing along, it was very amusing.

They finished and then we waited thirty minutes for Anberlin. During this time I got really hot due to the lack of air-conditioning and started feeling a little lightheaded. Luckily it passed when Anberlin started to play. I must say, my generation is full of morons. How the hell do you mosh to Anberlin? I mean, a few of their songs yes. But HOW do you mosh to A Day Late? It's a freaking love song for crying out loud. Asides from almost getting moshed it was a very good performance.

Then Taking Back Sunday took the stage. Before they did however I decided it would be better to move back so one, I wouldn't risk getting moshed again and two, I wouldn't pass out in a bad location. We found a good spot and TBS came on and it was pretty awesome. I knew maybe 4 of their songs, I feel horrible for that, btw. S and I rocked out to Sink Into Me and it was awesome. During their performance they had both the lead singer and the cute guitarist come out and sing with them, which I have to say was really cool. I think may have over sang a bit, but I was happy that they ended with Makedamnsure.

Overall, wonderful experience. All the bands were amazing.

The next day, I spent the night at my sisters, I woke up, got ready, and headed out to get my haircut. It's short to me. But I love it. I then came home to find out that my mac had arrived! It's pretty awesome. I love it, I'm on it now, and I'm flailing on it. So now I'm currently at B's house rocking out at the campout/party thing.

That is all for today.

iTouch

2009-06-17T22:59:00.000-04:00

Well, I finally got my iTouch and it has to be the coolest thing ever!

Today I hung out with B and R since it was B's birthday. Our plan was to hit Barnes and Noble, Best Buy, and then grab some food. Everything went according to plan, except for the part where I left almost all of my money sitting at home. I was still able to at least buy the book I wanted, The Perks of Being A Wallflower. I think I'm going to put Red on pause and read Wallflower. Anyway, we messed around Barnes and Noble for awhile before heading to Best Buy.

I was hoping to buy a flash drive for my memory card but they don't exist. Well, they might but not at our Best Buy, instead I'm going to have to buy some $30 device to transfer my photos to my computer. Luckily, the one I'm getting works for about every memory card I will ever use so I'm hoping it will last me for a LONG time.

Now the fun part of our trip. While at Moe's, which is amazing for all those that have not eaten there, the guy that was taken our orders was so hyper/crazy/funny. He was talking the whole time asking us questions, explaining life, and giving us advice. I wish I could have recorded the conversation. I was compared to a basketball player, I was dubbed the 'Soul Man' because I ordered the black beans, and the lady who rang up my food commented on how much she loved my hair. I was almost on the floor laughing when he started talking to B, who he compared to Brittany Spears--SO SORRY B--, but when she ordered the Pinto beans he went off to talk about Southern home style 'Grandma's' cooking. You know, with the beans and the cornbread and the mashed taters and the meatloaf...yeah. It was a very filling and amusing lunch.

After that we headed back to my house to which I started messing with my new iTouch. It's amazing. Built in speaker, touch screen, 8GB, awesome features, I love it. I'm pretty sure I made my dad jealous with it. I also got my new printer today which I can't wait to use when I get my Mac, which should be in later this week.

That is all for today.

Park Adventures

2009-06-16T21:55:00.000-04:00

I spent my morning hanging with B, again, at our 'park.' He was getting a better bass, or something, in his car which was going to take 3 plus hours so we decided to hang out. The start of our adventure took us to our park which all we ended up doing there was walk around and follow a few trails in the woods. When then decided to run by sonic because he was in need of some sweet tea--I don't understand how people like it I think it's disgusting. I think we ended up sitting in the parking lot at sonic for another hour before heading to the Phone Place to check on his car only to be told we had to wait another hour, which we wasted at the park again. When his car was finally done I sat in it with him so he could show off his bass--yet again I don't understand how people enjoy stuff like that. My head was still ringing by the time I got home. Throughout the whole trip we just talked, god his douchebag levels dropped so much--at times--it was crazy. Well, I guess I should say when he wasn't talking about the party he went to, when even then it wasn't bad, he was decent. Anyway, it was actually fun, I had a good time.

As always the rest of my day was bland, I didn't do much but watch House. However towards the end of the day B texted me again telling me he kicked his bass up even more--can anyway say deaf in a few years?--and said I should come over, hangout, and sit in his car and listen to it. He also suggested we have another movie night, which I totally agree with.

That is all for today.

Black

2009-06-15T23:24:00.000-04:00

Well, it took well over 4 months, maybe even 5, but I finally finished book one, Black, of the Circle Trilogy. I must say it was a very crazy book. I'm not even going to try and explain it due to the fact that I can't really explain it without either confusing you or ruining the book, but it was a very good book and I recommend it. There is one section that I read today that has been stuck in my head all day, to sum it up it said...

"Then trickery is a form of knowledge. And knowledge is a form of truth. So if by using trickery I persuade you to accept my knowledge, it can only be because I am smarter than you. I have more truth."

I'm not sure why that section of the book struck a cord with me, but it did.

The rest of me day went by fairly slow. I went and cashed a check, heck yeah for having money, then ran by my sister's work to pick up my camera and I ended up running a few errands for her. Afterwards I came home and hung out with B for a bit. Other than that nothing.

That is all for today.

Quote of the Day
"Everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life, and a secret life."
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Productivity

2009-06-14T22:58:00.000-04:00

I was actually fairly productive today. I worked out in the yard, I actually started on my own free will while my dad was asleep, and I almost finished the book Black. I didn't get as much done as I wanted to today but hey, it's a start.

We ordered my college laptop today. A 15-inch Macbook Pro that is customized for me. Let's just say I am very excited to get it. On top of the Macbook I'm getting an iPod iTouch since it's free, well you get a rebate.

Other than that there is nothing much to report. Grr, the only problem with summer, not much to report.

That is all for today

Unconscious Mutterings

Nudity :: Porn
Domestic :: Violence
Burp :: Excuse You
Baby :: Shower
Dateline :: Hotline
Retract :: Subtract
Suppose :: I Guess
Surreal :: Laid Back
Infidelity :: Infidel
Token :: Of My Appreciation

Cancer Cake

2009-06-13T13:23:00.000-04:00

Pretty much all of yesterday was spent hanging with C. We spent the whole time ragging on certain people while just talking about life. B also came over to spend the night and play video games. Other than that nothing interesting to report.

We have a painter at our house today so all I've smelt all day was paint and it's driving me insane. For those that don't know my mom is renovating her bathroom and after weeks of construction we are nearing the final lap. I don't know what is left after the painter, but I'm really tired of having random people at our house.

There has been an interesting turn of events. But part of me feels that I'm looking to far into it, again. B, it seems, is actually tired of GA. My first thought when hearing this...What!?! I'm almost positive the end of the world is upon us now. I'm really curious as to what happened, if anything did. It threw me for another loop when he asked to hang out right when he got home from his trip, granted he probably sent out a mass text to multiple people, or maybe he didn't...ARGH this is driving me insane. You know what, not going to worry about it. I'm positive this doesn't concern me at all.

I feel like posting two quotes today...

Quotes of the Day
"A hug can turn your day around, it’s like an emotional Heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you, and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety comes shooting out of your mouth, and you can breathe again."
- Pushing Daises

"I can't get Cancer! I'm a Capricorn"
- Chad

Storms

2009-06-11T22:57:00.000-04:00

I'm actually amazed at the power and beauty behind nature. It has stormed every afternoon since Tuesday and I have enjoyed every moment of it. I was sitting at my sister's house after the photo shoot when my dad called me telling me I needed to stay there due to the severity of the storms at the house. Turns out they had no power for roughly 2 hours and hail. I was actually quite amazed because it had only rained where I was.

I was able to head home at around 10 and was actually very amusing. As I drove into my city, which was powerless, I was listening to Decepticons from the Transformers movie, yes I know I'm a dork. If you've never heard the song it's a dark song that as it plays it slowly gets louder and louder, with more chorus coming in over time, until the climax of the song with a big percussion feature. Well, as I was driving I would look at the sides of the road and see branches everywhere, some down cable lines, and just utter destruction. All the while, Decepticons is playing in the background as I get closer to the 'heart' of my 'city' where the destruction gets worse. Needless, it was a very cool experience.

Then after yesterday's storm my mom, dad, and I decided to go for a walk. It was a beautiful scene. Walking down our road with a lantern and flashlight in hand, branches and leaves scattered everywhere, and when you looked towards the sky all you could see were dark clouds that suddenly filled with light from the countless number of lightning bolts. It was actually a very calming experience, watching the night sky light up while listening to the low rumble of thunder in the distance.

My only other concerning thought, which as eluded my mind all week, is of fairy tales. I'm not sure if I want to fish out that thought for this post or not, it may need a post all on its own, maybe not. Eh, we will see.

That is all for today.

My Calling...

2009-06-10T19:17:00.000-04:00

You know how everyone dubs the one thing they love in life their 'calling'? Well, I believe I have found mine.

Yesterday was my first ever photo-shoot-gig-thingy. One of my sister's co-workers was in need of a photographer for some business thingy and S mentioned that I happened to be involved with photography, so J, my sister's co-worker, decided to 'hire' me.

At first I was a little freaked out because I wasn't sure how well of photos I could take with the Canon I had. Luckily I received my brand new Nikon D70 Digital Camera for Graduation.

I must say, I was very nervous but it was weird. Usually when I get nervous I get sick to my stomach but this happened to be the first time where I didn't feel all that sick. Anyway, when we arrived at J's house she was extremely nervous, at one point she even said she quit but S, N, and I kept her going. She did wonderful. Asides from her random freak out moments, talking moments, and almost give ups, she did great. We got a lot of good shots. However, it took me forever to get to the 'I'm the photographer we are going to do it this way' stage. My sister even told me that she was amazed at some of the shots, that they looked like they came out of a famous magazine. So, needless to say I was happy.

After coming off the adrenaline rush I realized that was the most fun I had and quite honestly, if I have to do that for the rest of my life, I wouldn't complain.

I have another photoshoot this Friday...actually it's a friend coming over and I'm taking pictures of them whether they like it or not. Sorry C, but you will have fun though.

So, I'm pretty set with the whole photography thing, even if J decides to be a douche about stuff.

Today nothing much happened, uploaded photos, edited a few, found out my computer hates me...you know, the usual.

That is all for today.

The Doctor's Office...

2009-06-08T21:46:00.000-04:00

I've never been a big fan of going to it, today was no different. I had to get three shots for my Immunization forms for Western and it was not fun. One in my right arm, one in my left, and one underside of my arm. All together that equals a lot of numbness of the arms.

It didn't help that my mom made me help push mow part of the yard, luckily I was over the whole pass out feeling. It wasn't too bad, I felt nasty afterwards.

The rest of my day was spent talking to C, who I may end up killing, and B. I decided to make a stupid decision and I went back and read through old conversations with people. It's actually kind of amazing how much has changed, how much better I type, how less obnoxious I am, and how much better I am at dealing with certain situations.

Anyway, it's summer! I've got like 4 more parties/get togethers I have to go to and then I think I can relax.

As for graduation I got a freaking awesome gift, a Nikon D70 Camera. It's a beast, and I love it.

That is all for today.

Quote of the Day
"I think everyone has a certain part of their lives where they truly wish they could freeze time. Whether it was three years ago, today, or still to come, whether it was just a moment, a whole day, or a whole summer. Everyone has a time in their life where they wish everything would just stop. The world would stop turning and people would stop changing because to them, at that time, everything was perfect."
- Unknown

I Did It...

2009-06-07T22:22:00.000-04:00

After 12 years of public schooling, well for all you technical people, 13 years. I finally graduated. It still has yet to hit me. I know I won't have to go back to High School, I know I will be starting a new 'chapter' in my life, and I know i'm going to be leaving all of my friends, but I feel nothing. At first that sounds horrible, but let me explain.

I'm pretty sure I don't feel upset about this part of my life ending because I know it's never really going to be 'over.' I'm going to keep in touch with most of my friends, I will be visiting the High School when I can, and I'm ready for college, maybe.

Graduation was an interesting experience. Walking across the field, watching the stands full of people cheer, listening to Pomp and Circumstance....it's a weird feeling, like a cocktail of emotions. It was interesting. I remember standing at the stage, waiting for my name to be called, and when it was I remember hearing absolutely nothing. Like, all I can really remember is hearing our Principal and Superintendent telling me congratulations. I know people were cheering for me but I honestly can not remember hearing anything until I stepped off that stage.

The weather also played into our favor. It stopped raining at the beginning of the ceremony and started up again as soon as everyone threw their caps into the air. Then the barrage of hugs, pictures, and congratulations occurred. After all the hugs and whatnot finished I headed out to L's pool party. I had a blast even though it was mainly a couples party which made some situations a little awkward, but it was still fun.

M and E's birthday party was, awkward. R's party was fun. V and I talked a lot during it, hence the previous post. D's party was a blast. We played some very fun, and very competitive games.

That basically sums up everything, I think.

That is all for today.

Unconscious Mutterings

Hockey :: Stick
Twirling :: Flags
Montreal :: Canada
Better :: Now
New :: Old
Rally :: Dirt Bikes
Stanley :: Cup
USB :: Port
Scouted :: Patrol
Cough :: Up A Lung

.1%

2009-06-07T00:26:00.001-04:00

This post is dedicated to a conversation held between V and I.

I know I've been slacking on the posting and it's actually annoying some of my readers, sorry guys. But I'm going to be posting like a storm here soon. I've got a lot of ideas I'm ready to try out.

Disappointment

2009-06-03T23:12:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been in a situation where you used to do something regularly, stopped, and when you came back it was nothing like you remembered? Even sort of less?

I recently learned that a group I used to attend, YFLAG, was starting up again. I was extremely excited about this and couldn't wait to attend the meeting today. I was even inviting C as a way to hang out. So, I didn't realize it until today, but the times, location, and leaders had all changed. I even read that we had 12 members at the previous meeting. That through me for a loop because the last meeting I attended had only 2 people at it, me and D. Anyway, I arrived at the new location, some cafe I never heard of before, and I was lucky enough to had previously meet one of the leaders. So I talked with them until people started to arrive, I knew no one. I was hoping some older members would show up but none of them did. There were also parents there, we used to NEVER allow parents to this so I was a little shocked when parents walked in a sat down with us. I also found out why we had so many members. There were two kids who were bi and their WHOLE family showed up, it was kind of ridiculous to be quite honest.

So I was sitting there all alone waiting for C to show up and we started to watch RENT, no real introduction like we used to do, I mean we each said our name, the school we attend, and our orientation but when I first joined this group we spent the first hour talking about how things in our life were going. So C finally showed up with H and her mom and they sat at the couch opposite of me and once H left I went over and sat with C. I wanted to spend my evening talking to him but no, we had to sit there and talk through texts because of the movie. Once the movie ended we left, and that's when things actually started becoming fun. I took him home and we talked and that's about it.

So, I was not impressed with this meeting, I'm going to skip the next one and then go back and hope it gets better. I guess it doesn't really matter since I can only attend three more until I head off to college. I just wish today's meeting was like the old times, I miss those...D, J, K, D, C, B, I miss you guys...like crazily, come back, please?

That is all for today.

My Last Day...

2009-06-01T23:12:00.000-04:00

Today was officially my last day at High School. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Like, I want to get up and scream and run around like a maniac, yet I want to sit here and cry that it's all over.

Today was a good day though. It was very laid back, I finish sorting through the concert band music, and I got to watch Transformers again. I had a lovely photo shoot with C, K, and B during third. B also dyed his hair. Let's just say that it didn't turn out good...

I'm really not sure what I'm going to do with myself these next few days before Graduation. I've got plans on Tuesday and Wednesday but they won't take up too much time.

That is all for today.

Quote of the Day
"Being drunk doesn't change who you are, it just reveals it."
- 13

My Final Sunday...

2009-05-31T22:24:00.000-04:00

Well, it's mine final Sunday of the school year. I have to go to school on Monday and then I'm done until Friday when I graduate. I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. Like, it really hasn't set in that I'm graduation in less than a week. I'm sure the full feeling will hit me when my name is called and I walk across that stage, but right now I'm just lethargic about it all.

Let's see, on Friday things were, calm. Finished sorting some music in the Library, had a nice/awkward nap during 3rd, and realized yet again how many douchebags make up 4th period.

I was able to go to the chorus concert and once again, I was blown away. Our chorus group is absolutely amazing. I have never been let down at one of their concerts. Their performance of Hairspray was amazing. However I will say that during the Ladies Ensemble performance images of Glee were running through my head...

Saturday I had to help P, a family friend, move yet again. I really didn't want to go, but I did. It was so miserable. The only good thing about it was getting 20 bucks. When we got home I was able to relax for an hour before getting into the shower, which was amazing after a hard morning of working, and heading off to Jazz Band.

In my opinion our performance was decent, in the opinions of my family, we were amazing. They were all highly impressed. I really didn't want to go after working all morning, but after we finished I was very glad I decided to go. I had a lot of fun. I remember sitting, or rather standing, there watching people dance to Embraceable You and wanting so badly to go down there and dance with someone, but then I remembered that the people I wanted to dance with were not there and it would be awkward for everyone else there, oh well.

My Sunday consisted of a lot of reminiscing over the past four years, by the way I'm going to do a huge blog about that, I hope. It's crazy how much things have changed.

That is all for today.

Unconscious Mutterings

Nursery :: Kids
Side effect :: Drugs
Heart to heart :: Conversation
Try :: It Out
Hog :: Motorcycle
Symptom :: Disease
Collide :: Collision
Fury :: Anger
Incorporated :: Science
Summer :: Lovin

Wonderful News...

2009-05-28T20:51:00.000-04:00

Last night I had bit of a scare before I went to bed. As I was talking to R a sudden nagging feeling fell over me that something really bad was going to happen today. Luckily, I was proven wrong.

Today held such wonderful news that my day has been excellent. I can only think of one bad thing that occurred to me today....

Seriously? Do you not know when to keep your mouth shut? You do not look at me and tell me to do something like that, you know how I feel about that and yet you went off and said that to me. That is seriously a new low for you and just proves, yet again, how worthless you are.

Other than that little moment in time today was amazing and here is why...

I FINALLY cleaned the band Library, with R and C's help. We are going to finish tomorrow and it will be clean again.
I got my yearbook fixed! W made a page specifically for the kids who's pictures didn't make it into the yearbook and she put a page into mine and also refunded me for it. So for all those reading now, go to her if you would like me in your yearbook, or if you would like you can ask me for a better picture to put in it because I have those as well.
My expectations have been shot, burned, raped, destroyed, decimated, and obliterated...and I couldn't be anymore happier.
A went into surgery today, came out, and is doing better than ever. I received a text from her mom in class and actually proceeded to jump around the room because I was so excited.
S called me and told me she had a co-worker in need of a photographer and she asked if I could help her out. So I'm going to have my very first photo gig! I'm so nervous.
In Jazz Band R was absolutely the coolest ever and went out and bought everyone slushies. Lemon-Berry slushies are amazing.
Two more days, just two more days and a new chapter in my life begins...

All those things added up have caused my day to be pretty amazing.

That is all for today.

Naps

2009-05-27T21:57:00.000-04:00

Well I took my first ever nap today, and I did not enjoy it.

Although the only reason I was able to take it was due to the fact that I suffered a mild allergic reaction to some M&M's I ate causing me to go home and take some benedryl causing me to pass out. That happened to be my adventure today.

Yesterday was crazy, but of course the hours before a concert, not to mention final concert, are always crazy. T always ends up pissing me off on those days because he thinks he knows what he is doing, but he doesn't. The concert went, decent I guess. Something happened and I got really sick before my first performance and almost passed out twice during the concert. It was really hot which is more than likely why I felt so sick. I was surprised, B was worried and even tried all he could to cool me down. I was able to survive through the first half of the concert. I was surprised at how many people yelled/clapped for me during the senior recognition section, I think I was even blushing.

During the intermission I was attacked by E who congratulated and thanked me profusely for being a good Horn player and actually giving the band a good horn section. She then made me find B so she could attack him as well.

And for the record T, no one cares. What you did was pointless. If you think that deserves 20 minutes of show time then I should be able to stand up and say "Here I am to pass off First Chair Clarinet status." Next time you think you have a good idea, don't do it.

The Symphonic Band's concert was...interesting. We played everything well, not bad, but not great either. This was the freaking longest section ever. Curse you band parents that like to talk so much. R, S, and I all ended up winning the Director's Award. G and J won Jazz Band awards. S won the big award thing, D got a scholarship and some other award, and J won a scholarship. We gave our senior gifts and then we played Vesuvius before finally finishing.

I found my family, talked to them again. Got some advice from my sister that absolutely made my day. Then I head out to sonic for the after party. It was fun, I was slightly bummed through part of it but I didn't let it get me down. C made me try the Lemon-Berry Slushie and holy crap it was amazing.

That about sums up yesterday

Today, as you know I had a mild reaction. I also had yet another concert with my community band I had to perform at. It was, okay. I'm really upset that that was my first and last concert with them. I had fun though.

That is all for today.

Movies, Stress, and Humor...

2009-05-25T22:23:00.000-04:00

That must be the weirdest combination ever.

Today I went to see Star Trek. Oh. My. God. I can't even begin as to how awesome the movie was. No being a recent trekkie though it took me forever to figure out some things in the movie but it all feel together very nicely I believe. Not to mention Chris Pine as Captain Kirk, to die for. Chekov was also cute with his little accent. Overall, fabulous movie. I would totally go watch it again. I was also amazed by the music, the Horn part that was played in the opening scenes was amazing.

I then spent the rest of my day getting ready for tomorrow. I never knew how stressful that could be. I'm pretty sure I have everything ready but I know that with my luck I'm going to forget something.

For those reading this that don't know, tomorrow is my final concert with my band. I also realized today how unprepared we are for it, which led to more stress. Not to mention trying to finish the last bit of our gift to J.

Random note, I have pictures for anyone that wants a picture of me in their yearbook. The pictures I have a way better than the cheap ass pictures the school made us get.

Speaking of the school, we have just now entered the final stretch. Every senior lacks the graduation annoucments we should have mailed out weeks ago, apparently the band doesn't have to play at graduation anymore ((I probably shouldn't know this or speak about it)), and that's about it.

Now a message to my lovely Senior Class...Seriously guys? Sleeping on the football field was supposed to be our senior prank? Worse. Prank. Ever. Congratulations you fail and you literally did because I heard the cops where waiting for you, good job.

That is all for today

Quote of the Day
"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."
- Unknown

Dedication...

2009-05-25T00:06:00.000-04:00

Or is it something else?

I was talking to a friend earlier today and they started telling me how they were a hundred miles away. It took me by surprise and so I decided to question him about it and figure out why he was so far away. It turns out his ex drove down early in the morning and picked him up to take him to his, his ex's, favorite restaurant. His ex really lives a hundred miles away so I was asking why his ex had decided to do it. It turns out that while they were dating, it was an internet thing, his ex promised that they would meet in person before summer. He kept that promise.

Would you call that dedication?

But after hearing that story it made me think, would I be willing to do that for someone? Would I be able to find someone that would do that for me? I think about it and I say yes, but if the situation ever arises would I really be up to it?

All in all I thought that the story was very sweet, I'm so happy for him sometimes.

That is all for today.

Unconscious Mutterings

Lisa :: Doll
Hope :: and Faith
Irene :: Jonson
Tony :: Stark
Anna :: Banana
Dolly :: Parks
Laura :: Watson
Debbie :: Walker
Wilson :: House
Paula :: Abdul

Camping Part 2....

2009-05-23T22:04:00.000-04:00

With a bunch of other random things added in.

I feel so bad. I have not blogged in so long and I don't know what the deal is. I mean, I enjoy it, I think, and I want to continue it but I just don't do it. I need to do better...I will do better.

Anyway, these past few days have been interesting. On Thursday, after my awesome day, I had a crazy day. The only major point of this day was D and I going to Tabor's concert. Holy crap it was amazing. I want to play violin so bad now. They played Irish Legend and D and I were blown away at the kids talent.

Friday was fun, C and I spent all of second writing in each others yearbooks and I have to say they are going to be the most artsy ones. Well, maybe not as artsy as B's but it's close. In third J made me run the class since he had to listen to kids pass off. I realized that part of me kind of would like to be a band director, but the amount of douchebaggary that flowed from those kids made me think otherwise. I still had fun though. 4th was well, 4th I think I played on Friday...oh yeah I did because A and I talked about how B was a turning into C.

After that R, B, and I headed to B's house for another camping trip. To sum it all up, fabulous, creepy, awkward, funny, hilarious, and yummy. We had to make a pit stop at Wal-Mart after watching Repo, which is an amazing movie, and guess what! My life loves me! I got to run into C, how fun. And for those who can't tell there was so much sarcasm in the previous statement. Other than that the trip went off without a hitch. I had loads of fun.

Today, I spent most of my day with B. We played games, chatted with C, watched 1000 ways to die, and relaxed. I then came home, and continued talking with C and that's about it. Still a very fun day.

There is much I'm missing that I know I'm missing...but I can't really focus anymore, I need sleep.

That is all for today.

Quote of the Day
"If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change, free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality."
- Dan Millman, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior

Don't Stop Believing....

2009-05-20T21:36:00.000-04:00

Hold on to that feeling!

God, I have been singing that song ALL day, thank you R.

Anyway, quick recap of yesterday due to my lack of blogging. I was tired...

Community Band was WONDERFUL. Talking to the random people there about losing your pants is awesome, thank you random French Horn player.
I realized how weird I am, maybe not weird but strange. I was sitting in my car and thought about my perfect date with someone. A perfect date for me would simple be us sitting in some random parking lot with the windows rolled down, the warm summer breeze flowing through our hair, and the music playing lightly over the radio. My leg is propped up on the mirror while his head is resting on my lap with his legs propped out the passengers side window. I'm sitting there holding hands with him with running my free hand through his hair. Nothing is really being said, because nothing needs to be said. But that is my perfect date.

Now on to today.

Today was amazing, it just kept getting better and better. Granted it did start out a little bleh, but after second period things kept getting better.

Third period I got to conduct Chesford Portrait and it wasn't a train wreck! After which I got to play Horn with J and that was amusing to listen to. We played through everything else with other kids conducting the songs and then we attempted The Witch and the Saint wow did we butcher it. I think I did better at sight-reading the baritone part than any of the freshmen.

Got to go outside in 4th, that was fun. I sat, or rather laid, with K and R and that was nice, until W pelted me in the face with a dictionary. 4th then ended and as I walked back to the band room J looked at me and proceeded to tell me about how bad 4th ended up playing Star Wars. From what he told me it sounded bad....

When I got home I watched Disaster Movie, NEVER watch it, followed by Glee. Oh. My. God. Glee was amazing. I have watched the Don't Stop Believing part about 6 times already. It's crazy awesome. I don't know why, well I do know why, but Don't Stop Believing always makes me want to stand up and dance around my room while singing. It's such a mood lifting song.

I saw B's new quote, plain and simple it made me laugh. I love....Irony is it? I'm not sure, whatever word I would use to describe the situation.

That is all for today